Stranded on Infertility Island

Home...

2007-06-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

Our little guy is home, as of late last night. He is amazingly handsome, with a head of dark hair and a button nose. Being a parent is just incredible, and God has truly answered our prayers. It honestly couldn't feel any more right than this. My eyes well up every time I see my husband hold our baby boy, and it is wonderous to experience a sight that I was beginning to think I'd never, ever see...

Soooo, I've been thinking a lot about this blog and have decided it's time to wrap this one up. This blog was about a journey that has now ended, which marks the start of another. I will be creating a new blog soon, but I won't be linking to it for privacy reasons. Plus, I wouldn't want fellow IF'ers to stumble across my blog, only to have the surprise of it now being a "family" blog.

If you are interested in reading about my new journey, please email me at chelcacc@gmail.com and I will send you the link to the new one.

P.S. My dear friend Kris, who has been dealing with IF for a little while longer than me, wrote this beautiful allegory about my journey. She is such a talented and creative writer, and captures the essence of my experience so well. Thanks for writing this Kris, it really touched me!!

A little more news...

2007-06-19T04:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the heartfelt comments - I was soo touched reading them. I still can't believe this is all happening. It really feels like a dream...

So here are a little more details. We were matched through a friend of the family - not our agency. It happened really really fast, as the birthmom made her final decision about two weeks ago that she'd like us to be the adoptive parents. We have a very open relationship wtih her and bonded with her very quickly. She is an amazing woman who is extremely thoughtful, loving and wise.

We have been so blown away by our friends and families overwhelming support, enthusiasm and love!! A group of our friends threw us an "asian" themed co-ed shower this past Saturday. It was an amazing party planned in just a week's time... Today, we are going to a luncheon hosted by some of Kyle's co-workers This Saturday, there is another shower, this time it's "women-only" with my family and friends. All this busy-ness is helping ease my anxious and excited mind as the due date fast approaches.

The little guy is due very very soon!! I will keep you all posted...

Breaking the silence...

2007-06-14T04:41:00.000-07:00

There's a reason I haven't posted in quite awhile. I've been a little wary about blogging about it because I still can't believe this is actually happening.... but, after *gulp* almost seven years of trying and praying for a child, we've.... been....... matched..........

We are just overjoyed and thrilled!!! I cannot even begin to describe the overwhelming emotions we are feeling..... this truly is heaven-sent.

Oh, yeah and the baby is due in a little under a week and a half!!! And, he is a boy...... :)

Konnichiwa

2007-05-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

We're back from Japan. I can describe our trip in one little word: AMAZING. We did so many incredible things on the trip: visited 10 temples and shrines, had box seats at the sumo wrestling tournament, attended a geisha theatre performance, participated in a tea ceremony, were spectators for the Hollyhock festival/parade. And, the sushi there was just melt-in-your mouth: we even had "breakfast" sushi at one of the restaurants in the complex next to the fish market. I never thought I'd want to eat sushi at 7:45 am, but it honestly was heaven!! I can't say enough about the people there - I actually had an older woman at the train station give me a present (a small charm) and both of our neighbors at the sumo tournament shared food with us (big wrapped rice crackers and ice cream sandwich sort of snack). Seriously, the hospitality we were shown just blew me away. . I also can't get over how clean Japan is - we actually witnessed someone vaccuuming the sidewalk in front of his shop one morning!!

And, I got my "Lost in Translation" fix by going to a lot of the sites in the movie: the Park Hyatt bar, the stepping stones at Heian Shrine, the crosswalk at Shibuya. It was so cool to actually be at these places I've seen in one of my favorite films...

I'm still fighting jet lag a bit so I'll wrap this up for now, but let's just say I would recommend Japan to anyone. There is so much history there, and it was so cool to go out of our "comfort" zone and try all these new foods and experiences. I would go back in a heartbeat...

Homebrew doggie....

2007-05-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

This is Kafka's new kibble. We have been making it ever since the pet food scare first happened and we learned that our so-called trusty brand does inhumane tests on animals. Last night's entree included scrambled eggs, tuna, brown rice, baby carrots & organic green beans.

We interchange the meats with ground chicken and beef and use the tuna when we run out of those but Kafka does not seem to care either way! And we supplement his food with a multi-vitamin pet tab and fish oil for Omega 3's. He absolutely loves this new way of eating - I think it's because he believes he is finally getting his share of the people food :)

Kafka gets super excited about his dinner and starts howling if we don't fix it fast enough...

His second favorite activity after eating is lounging in the sun!

It's hard to believe he will be 14 this year!!!

Mish-mash time

2007-04-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have to start out by saying that I totally called it about "Lost" - Sun and Jin DID conceive on the island. But, this leads me to my next question - why, oh, why, does she have to face imminent death after going through the hell of IF??? That is just too twisted and demented and now leads me to believe that none of the writers are IF'ers. Because if I was writing this show, I'd say that Sun got pregnant on the island, then went on to have healthy fraternal girl/boy twins. Afterwards, Sun and Jin and their two perfect babies find a huge mansion on the island to live in which holds everything they ever dreamed of including their own personal spa!! Seriously, though, as far as the plot progression goes, I'm thinking that of course Juliette will find some miracle cure for Sun...

Ok, onwards to my real life, which is not so unlike "Lost" in certain ways. I've been trying to up my running, or should I say keep up with my running now that the heat has kicked into higher gear down here in the South. It's not so much the heat that bothers me, as the humidity and blazing sun. I'm lying, it's actually all three of those factors combined :) I did not make my goal of running 30 miles this month, but at least I got 2/3rds of the way there, so that isn't too shabby. I'm also considering joining a running clinic that meets three times a week and helps you meet and attain your goals. The clinic starts in June and I figure if anything will get me heat conditioned, paying someone to whip my butt into shape and motivate me to excercise in sweltering temperatures will do so.

I went out on Sat night with a couple of friends to see a band that some of my co-workers are in. They were really good - an R&B/funk vibe complete with brass horns section. One of the co-workers was really interesting to watch, as he is in a more senior/authoritative position in the company, so it was quite the sight to see him jamming out on his bass guitar and bopping along with the music!! On Sunday, Kyle and I logged in some beach hours - he was studiously reading his school book, while I was taking in some important heady magazine articles.. .actually, it was "Self" but it's very environmentally friendly, so whatever..

Oh and apparently it's "turn off the television week" at our place, because the DLP lamp in our TV burnt out. Not only that but the lamp is on back order with the manufacturer for weeks, so it's seeming as if everyone that bought this model two years ago must be in the exact same predicament. But, thanks to the wonderment that is Ebay, we should be receiving a new lamp in a week or so.. it actually is kind of nice to have the peace and quiet but the Stanley cup finals are on, so it's bad timing for that!

A new order

2007-04-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Wow - I guess that song is not as well known as I thought it was, or maybe you guys are just out of it ;) Since nobody got the twenty points, here goes... The song is called "Temptation" by New Order. New Order is one of my favorite bands of ALL time - they were the most popular in the 80's and had a few songs in the movie "Pretty in Pink". They are actually still producing music today, their last album in '05. You may not think you know New Order, but you probably have at least heard their song "Bizarre Love Triangle" - a very popular dance song that got TONS of radio play.

Anywho....no big news in the adoption department. I have a feeling the bio-mom who's due in July wasn't at all interested in our profile, as it has been about a week and a half with nada news... I'm really starting to get discouraged by the whole process. This is compounded by the fact that I've been working all by my lonesome in my lab for the past few weeks. The lack of social contact leaves me with wayyyy to much time to pontificate!! Not that I need something to remind me of the adoptive wait, but lack of distractions doesn't help. It's getting harder and harder to picture myself as a mom anymore... I'm starting to think that Kyle & I are really stranded here on IF island with no chance of rescue in sight. No wonder I love the show "LOST" so much, it sort of mirrors IF doesn't it? Being isolated in a weird, remote place and searching for answers as to why this is all happening. I'm beyond tired of camping out here. Can I just get back to the mainland already???

Added 4/24/07 lunchtime - Ok, I have way too much time at work to think about things. I actually am busy doing benchwork but it gets monotonous, so I daydream. I was thinking about the show "LOST" again and was pondering just how prevalent infertility is on the show as a whole!!! Sun was infertile on the mainland, and then miraculously got pg on the island. None of the "others" can successfully have a baby on the island. Juliet was a researcher who cured her sister's IF problem. Is this prevailing IF thing a coincidence? I think not. Do you think one of the writers is one of "us"???

As heard in my IPOD shuffle while running last night...

2007-04-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

"Up, down, turn around - please don't let me hit the ground. Tonight I think I'll walk alone, I'll find my soul as I go home...."

20 points to the first person who guesses correctly. No google-ing allowed :)

At least it's something...

2007-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Our agency called Kyle yesterday to ask if they could show our profile to another agency that has a bio-mom who is due in July. Now of course, this does not guarantee that we will get picked or matched, but at least it's something. This is the first situation they've actually called us about that matched our adoption preferences exactly, so it is exciting to finally have this kind of news!

I guess people shouldn't ride in dumbwaiters and other weekend musings

2007-04-10T04:59:00.000-07:00

It was a fun, relaxing weekend - we didn't travel at all and had very "play it by ear" plans. Sometimes, those weekends turn out to be the most fun. On Friday night, we all hung out at my friend J's house for an impromptu barbeque. A lot of us got very tipsy and even decided to swim in the low 70 degree weather (which didn't last long)! Towards the end of the evening, one of my friends bet me money to ride up in the dumbwaiter from the garage to the second level of the townhouse. I can usually never turn down a bet and I know another one of our friends rode successfully in it before, so what could possibly happen? Well, I guess I wasn't sitting perfectly centered and as it started to go up, it listed badly to one side and then completely stopped and got stuck. There was a smidgen of an opening, enough to see through but that's about it. I started envisioning the fire department having to come and pull me out with the "jaws of life". It didn't help that my over-tipsy husband was standing on the second floor yelling "I"ll come and visit you on weekends, hon" and other sayings. Then I got a little panicky, but some quick thinking friends turned off the breaker, which quickly lowered the dumbwaiter promptly to the bottom. So, the lesson learned is don't try this at home :)

On Saturday morning, I prepared 17 meals for Kyle & I in a little under 2 hours with absolutely no prep work or clean up. I am starting to LOVE these meal preparation places, they really are the cooking of the future. And an absolute life saver when you have unpredictable work hours!! Saturday afternoon I did some gardening and picked out seeds for a vegetable garden I'm going to try soon - summer squash, cucumbers, spinach and beans. I haven't grown a veggie garden since I was little and my mom and I did one together...

On Sunday, I went to a friend's church with some couple friends, and then Kyle met us all out for brunch at one of our favorite bistro, complete with tasty mimosas. The rest of the day I lounged in the sun reading, and then did some mulching in our frontyard.... this was the first holiday in a long, long time that we didn't travel or entertain people and it was very enjoyable!!

The hidden room

2007-04-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

Lately, we've been keeping the door to the nursery closed. We do this to keep the pets out of the room, but the side effect from this is that some days I'm even starting to forget the nursery is actually there. Every once in a while I peek in just to see if the room is still quiet and sterile, like some sacred shrine or a catalog staging for Pottery Barn. Sometimes I just stand in the doorway and daydream. As of late, though, my heart fills more with sorrow as soon as I take a look-see. I'm starting to worry that this room will never get used and will have to be dismantled. My wondering is changing from "when" Kyle and I will become to parents, to "if" we will ever become parents.

I wish I had some news to prove me wrong, but I got nada on the adoption front. It's been almost a year since we've been in the pool of prospective parents at our agency. We seem to be no closer to having a baby now than a year ago, or even seven years ago when this journey first started. Sigh. My heart just aches.

IF Film Festival

2007-03-31T07:19:00.001-07:00

Please go and check this out:

The short films are so creative and really capture the essence of the IF experience. Way to go, Bea, for organizing this!

The "good guys"

2007-03-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

GLousie had commented on my last post how she'd like to see a list of the "good guys" - the products/manufacturers that don't do animal testing. I'll list a lot of them below, but note that this is not a complete list, by all means... Hopefully, this will inspire more people to steer towards buying more of these products! I challenge everyone to just pick one or two names on the list and replace your normal brands with these. You really will be making a difference!!

Almay
Aveda
Basis
Bath & Body Works
The Body Shop
Bonnie Bell
Bumble & Bumble
Burt's Bees
Citre Shine
Clinique
Curad
Crabtree & Evelyn
Eucerin
Freeman
Jheri Redding
Kiss My Face
Mary Kay
Method
Paul Mitchell
Nexxus
Nature's Miracle
Nivea
Norelco
OPI Products
Origins
Philosophy
Physician's formula
Prescriptives
Revlon
Seventh Generation
Thicker Fuller Hair
Urban Decay
Victoria's Secret

Thumbs up for cruelty-free

2007-03-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

During the recent pet food contamination fiasco, I learned that the brand name we feed our beagle is very controversial. Thankfully, we only feed him dry food, so there wasn't a chance of it being tainted. But, I also just learned of the alleged animal testing this company does and decided to switch brands for good. I'm not sure the extent of the testing - PETA claims they are treating their animal subjects cruel and inhumanely, and in turn the manufacturer vehemently denies this, although they do admit to animal tests. Either way, I'd like to NOT support companies that do needless testing, especially when there are so many cruelty-free products out there.

This got me wondering how many of the household and personal hygiene products I currently use perform animal testing, so I did a little research via the internet, and was shocked to find out that a LOT of the major manufacturers/products do!! There are tons of well known, very popular brands which are still performing archaic & unnecessary animal experiments. This is crazy considering there are numerous types of alternative testing such as in vitro (cell culture) and human volunteer studies.

The more I got to thinking about this, the more upset I became. Now, I'm a carnivore, so obviously I'm in favor of eating meat as a form of sustenance. I'm also a biologist, so I understand the need for certain types of testing to help further advancements in the field of medical science. But to use animals for things that I consider luxuries, such as shampoo and makeup, is total unnecessary in my opinion.

So, now I'm trying to make a conscious effort to buy only cruelty-free household products, cosmetics, hair products and personal hygiene sutff. There are SO many great brands that don't do animal testing - Aveda, Method, Nivea - to name a few. I've already switched over a lot of my household products to non-toxic & environmentally friendly products, which coincidentally are also cruelty-free. And, my makeup, Clinique, already fits the bill :) Now I just gotta work on the rest - the hardest thing will be toothpaste. Any ideas for this one?

My super exciting week includes....

2007-03-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

..working long hours plus an hour commute to a lab we are contracting at. Get home and run if I'm not too exhausted or it's not 10:15 pm at night when I get home (like it was last night). Followed by sleeping and dreaming about lab experiments. (last night I was pH'ing tanks in Japan, since we are planning that trip). Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Did I mention I work for a start-up?

The great new side effect of this is I haven't had time to really think about adoption or worry about getting "the call".

Happy Anniversary to us!!

2007-03-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, Kyle and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. We've been through the best of times and the worst of times and have grown stronger through it all...

It's funny how fate works.. we met the very first weekend of college - a private college that I transferred to after completely revamping my major from psychology to biology. Kyle and two other roomates were throwing a big party at their college apartment and put fliers under a lot of the new freshman's doors (probably more of the women's doors, I'm sure). At the party, I met both of his roommates (who ended up being groomsmen at our wedding) and a lot of his fraternity brothers, but never met Kyle before the cops broke up the event. The next night, I was hanging out at one of his fraternity brother's apartments with my dormmate, Kris, (who also has been married as long as us and has been trying a baby for as long as us - coincidence? ) and in walks Kyle. Now, I know this sounds cheese-ball, but the instant I met him I felt a mixture of butterflies in my stomach and complete familiarity. After the introductions, we all walked over to a local party. At the party, Kyle and I sat on a couch and just talked for hours and hours, completely oblivious to everything and everyone around us. I'll never ever forget that evening!!

So, here we are today - a decade under our belt and hopefully many, many, more years to come. And, god willing, an addition to our family in the near future.

My parents brought us to this super fancy restaurant in the Ritz Carlton last weekend to celebrate. At the dinner, we were served a complimentary amuse bouche (a pre-appetizer, which I only learned about while watching "Top Chef" episodes) and they brought Kyle and I an after dinner truffle plate with "Happy Anniversary "written in chocolate. It was such a fun celebration and delicious and beautifully presented food!! Kyle also surprised me on Thursday with a cute card and some gorgeous wildflowers with my favorite flower - the sunflower. We weren't supposed to get anything for each other due to our big trip planned, but it was so cool to get a surprise like that!! I love you, hon!!

And the winner of the decade-anniversary-celebration-trip is....

2007-03-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

JAPAN. Home to temples, sushi, sumo wrestling and more. I know, it's not one of the places I mentioned before. But it's been on our "to-do" travel list for quite a while. And, crazy enough, we found out that Italy would cost about the same amount of money for airfare and hotels!! So, why not travel to a completely different continent and atmosphere??? Especially since we've already been to Europe (Germany and Austria) once. We are very excited about the trip and right now are planning to visit Tokyo, Kyoto and Mount Fuji. I'm still researching things and holding out for an airfare special :)

In keeping with the Asian theme, Kyle and I competed in a 2 mile road race this past weekend called "Eye of the Dragon - Tail of the Lizard". We thought it would be an easy one just cruising through downtown streets of the Eau Gallie area (for those familiar with our city). Much to our surprise, it ended up being on one of the same causeways that we competed on for both the biking and running portions of our triathlon last year!!! We ran up and over the causeway and then back up & over again - so two big hills in a little race. The good thing is that I ran the entire way this time (this is the first running race I haven't had to walk a few steps at least) and I'm pretty sure that it was my fastest per mile time yet - although I'm not sure because they had two count-up clocks at the finish line - one for the 10K and one for the 2 mile. I'll have to hold out for when they post the times online.

Kyle kicked butt and placed 5th out of the 75 people AND got a trophy for 3rd overall male!! This is his second trophy in the past two road races that we've competed in. You go, Kyle!!

Distractions

2007-02-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

Things that are occupying my time during "the wait":

- Running : I've been doing this several times a week and lately I've transitioned to the outdoor-real-world-run as opposed to the nicely-controlled-environment-treadmill-run. My running form seems to have improved a bit after attending "Chi Running" seminar a month ago. My goal is to do a 5K in 30 minutes - I've been averaging 11 minute miles, so I have a way to go to accomplish this. I also had a goal of running 54 miles by the end of Feb (see my ticker on the side of the blog) - I have to say that I did forget that Feb had 28 days when I picked that one!!

- High stress job : Have I mentioned that I work for a start-up company? Well I do and its exciting, nerve-racking, fast paced and chaotic. My hours are slightly longer than normal, but not too bad yet. Working in this kind of atmosphere doesn't leave me with have a lot of time to sit around and pontificate, although I still seem to find time every so often :)

- Reading : I've been trying to do more of this lately and reduce the amount of time I sit in a zombie-like-state in front of the tv. I still love television, but I've gotten burnt out on nearly all of reality competition shows that I used to be so passionate for, which comprised like 60% of my viewing schedule. Cutting back to only a handful of shows (Amazing Race, LOST, Grey's Anatomy and Medium) leaves me with more time to actually use some brain cells at night and take in some good books!! I just started a Hemingway novel that Kyle and I bought after touring his home down in Key West.

- Trip planning : Kyle and I have our decade anniversary coming up in March and are doing an overseas trip to celebrate - big contenders right now are Italy and Africa. We also want to do a weekend getaway to St. Augustine, the city we lived in when we were first married.

- Outings : Weekends seem to always have something fun going on which helps too. Last weekend we went to a local play with friends and had a couples massage for our late Valentine's celebration (Kyle had class on Valentines and I worked until 7 pm -romantic, no??). Today I'm doing the "My Delicious Dinners" outing with a friend (if you haven't heard of this it's a place which supplies you with ingredients for meals along with recipes which you assemble there and freeze for later) and Kyle and I have a party to go to tonight.

Thank God for distractions. I'm hoping I can keep most of these hobbies once our little one arrives. Maybe not the high stress job, but we'll see!

The reality of the race

2007-02-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

I love reality competition shows, so I'm thrilled to see IF superstars Uchenna and Joyce back on the "Amazing Race" for the all-star edition. For those that don't know, they won the race a few years ago and used their prize money to do IVF treatments. Unfortunately, they were unsuccessful. They now admit that infertility has strained their marriage and they are doing the Amazing Race again to get back on track. Not only are they helping to spread IF awareness by being honest on television about their struggles, they seem like genuinely good people! I'm so routing for them to win again!!

Woe-fullness

2007-02-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you that commented on reading my blog a few posts ago. It means a lot to know that more people read it than I originally thought. I'm especially touched by those new readers whom I've never meant before and are friends-of-a friend. That is so cool to have people routing for Kyle and I that we've never even met before!! The internet is a crazy place for making new connections.

Speaking of connections, I have to say that without this blog, I would be in a very lonely place right now. Sure I have a lot of friends and family in my life, but none of them really "get it". They just can't fathom how it feels to be on the "island".

This blog is virtually my only link to women going through infertility or trying to adopt, besides my college roomate, Kris , who coincendentally has been trying just as long as I have. I used to know a lot of infertiles in real life, but most of them resolved the situation either through successful infertility treatments or adoption. Year by year, the real life infertiles I knew have become mommies. And, of course, I'm so happy for them and inspired, but I feel left behind too. On top of that I feel discouraged, especially since I was a part of a tight-knit IF support group that was my saving grace and now that they all have children, I hardly hear from them anymore. A lot of them cut ties with the group once they were successful. And out of the seven of us, it's me left standing alone on the "island". So I'm an outcast even in the world of infertiles, too, which is is very, very crap-tastic. Maybe there should be some kind of demented game show for this because I'm sure I would win.

To say it wasn't getting harder would be a lie. You'd think after years of letdowns, I would be a pro at being infertile. But I'm really starting to wear down from it. I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and God doesn't give people more than they can handle and I believe that. But, I also believe that I've paid my dues and have learned as much as I'm going to learn from this lesson of sorts. I've been trying for six and a half years to be a mommy. And during these six and a half years, I've supported my friends in their pregnancies, babysat their kids, gone to umpteen baby showers and kid's birthday parties ( well, as much as I feasibly could attend or wasn't excluded from). I've bit my tongue when countless people have said heartless things to me such as "just relax, it'll happen", "maybe you weren't meant to be a parent", "now that you are adopting, you'll get pregnant" and so much other bunk. After numerous treatments and three miscarriages, I've laid to rest the dream of ever having a biological child of my own. And, I've embraced adoption wholeheartedly and believe that it is that path I'm meant to be on. Because I really do have a lot of love to give (in the midst of all this ranting). And I think Kyle and I would make a pretty darn good parents, too (pay no mind to our spoiled fur kids).

I'm sorry this turned into a mini-pity party but I needed to release these feelings. I don't talk about my "situation" much in real life anymore. But, not a day goes by that I don't long to be a parent and I'm not acutely aware of the burning deep inside of me. Not one single day. And there's been a lot of days to experience that - around 2282 days to be exact. But, who's counting?

An affinity for the rain?

2007-02-13T17:42:00.001-08:00

Who knew John Cusack movies had so many wet scenes? I love every single movie featured and this remake playing by Ben Folds. Enjoy!

Calling all birthmoms!!

2007-02-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Prospective Birthmom,

If you are considering giving up your child for adoption, first of all I have the utmost respect for making such an incredibly heart-wrenching decision and doing something so selfless. Second of all, I'm getting down on my knees and begging you to pick Kyle and I to raise your child!! We are a self-proclaimed cute couple who are really good with kids (see exhibit A below):

Exhibit A: Kyle and I with our nephew Connor

We are fun-loving, energetic and financially stable. We have parents who are dying to be grandparents and spoil the little one (ESPECIALLY mine since I'm an only child and the only chance for grandkids). We even have a cute tropical-Hawaiian themed nursery all ready prepared for the babies arrival - see exhibit B below.

Exhibit B: Baby-to-be's nursery:

But, you must pick us soon because one of is (ok, it's me) is getting really emotionally strained from hoping, wishing and praying to be a parent and is having fleeting thoughts of giving up her dream to be a mom!! Both of us had many, many years of mentally preparing to be parents (6 1/2 to be exact) and I think at this point, we may just be ready (yes, a little sarcasm there).

So, that's my plea in a nutshell. I'm really hoping you will find us soon!

You know you are stressed at work when.....

2007-02-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

.... you wake up in the middle of the night disoriented for more than a few minutes and have a hard time figuring out whether or you are actually in the lab, sleeping next to your lab partner OR are in fact at home, sleeping next to your husband. I'm just saying....

Also, like my friend Keri recently blogged about in her last post, I have a big curiousity about who actually reads my blog. I know a lot of my IF blogging buddies read it, but lately I haven't gotten many comments from anyone else out there besides them (i.e. friends, family, lurkers, etc). So, if you do read it on a regular basis or just every so often, please give a shout out to let me know. You don't need a to have a blog to leave a comment - just post under anonymous, and leave your name at the end of the comment. I would love to know who my full reading audience is :)

Weekend of unwinding-ness

2007-02-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

I went to another girl's night this past Friday- this time with some with my old (and one of my present) co-workers, all of which are in their 20's. Some are married, about to get married or living with their boyfriends. None of them have babies or are at the stage where they are even thinking about it!! It was such a refreshing and relaxing evening - especially since I knew that I wouldn't be hearing any idle mommy or pregnancy chatter. Being around these women also brings out the more youthful side in me too - it rekindles my pre-infertile self.

Kyle and I also did a running clinic on Saturday, hosted by the author of "Chi Running". His running form is based on a lot of principles of T'ai Chi, where you concentrate on keeping a proper form and don't force or exert yourself too much. This new form is supposed to make running more effortless, which I'm hoping will help me with the soreness that I struggle with after a workout and help improve my time as well. We are doing a 5K in a couple of weeks and I would like to make my goal of completing one in 30 minutes or less. I'm just not a fast runner (think: turtle), so this would be a big deal for me to run at consistent 10 minute miles! Kyle is training for a marathon in October, and I'm so proud of him for attempting this. Me, I think I'll stick to my 5K's and work up to a 10K :)

Today, we are just going to laze around and watch the big game by ourselves. It's the first time in many years that we haven't been to a superbowl party or had friends over. I'm looking forward to the low-keyness of it and being able to actually watch and hear all the cool new commercials!!

Oh, and on the adoption front, Kyle contacted our agency this past week. They couldn't offer anything really, except to console us on how hard it is to sit back and wait. They haven't had many birthmoms lately and I'm not sure what to think of this. We may consider getting a lawyer or trying another route, since this seems to be slow compared with a lot of other agencies out there!! We've been in the pool of prospective parents now for 9 months and have been dealing with the agency for a year. It's not looking so easy to "just adopt"!!

Is there an emoticon for happy-sad-content-frustrated?

2007-01-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

My moods over here on IF island have have been ALL over the place lately . If I didn't know better, I'd think my hormones are playing some early menopausal tricks on me!!

Some of my latest emotions include:
- frustration and disheartedness (for lack of a better, proper word) about the lack of news regarding our adoption

- osciallating bouts of excitement and worry now that I'm working for a start-up company with ultra-accelerated aspirations

- contentment with my active, but not too full, social calendar now that the crazy holiday season has passed

- enthusiasm for completing more and more goals which I've layed out for myself (probably driven by my lack of control in my number one most valued and cherished goal of becoming a mom)!

- an inner struggle between envy and happiness for of all the women who have recently gotten matched via adoption and pregnant friends/family members

I've been experiencing quite the spectrum of feelings lately, and sometimes all in one day!! I guess it's better than being bored, huh?

Breathing much easier...

2007-01-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to say that the girl's night went much better than anticipated. My belly bump friend didn't even bring up a peep about her pregnancy until I asked her about it. There also was hardly any conversations about babies or little ones the whole night. I never felt the need to hide under the table or start doing a round of lemon-drop shots, so all in all it was a very enjoyable evening :)

I think both of my friends made a concerted effort to stay mum about a lot of subjects in front of me - they rode together to meet me downtown, so they probably got a lot of baby chatter out of the way before I came into the picture. Which I really appreciate considering I was PMS'ing very very badly last night..... Anyhow, I am blessed with wonderful friends who are sensitive to my sitiuation and my anxiety was all for nothing....

Thanks for all the supportive comments. Obviously this post resonated a lot with you all! The fertile world tries but they just don't get it - I'm sure I wouldn't either if I wasn't in the shoes on an IF-er. I'm hoping I can partly step out of them soon.

More high anxiety...

2007-01-20T10:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am planning on going out for a girl's night with my newly pregnant friend - the one I blogged about back in December - who blindsided me in a non-intentionally hurtful way with her news. Since that time, she has apologized and we're on good terms again. But, as happy as I am for her (i.e. as happy as the green-eyed monster will let me be) I honestly don't feel like going out with her and my other friend, who is a mommy to an adorable 1 1/2 year old little girl. This will be the first time we have seen our pg friend since her baby bump annoucement (she lives a few hours away).

We do have a fun night planned - dinner in this cute little downtown area and then a murder mystery play afterwards. However, I'm just so anxious about the evening and feel like I will be caught in the midst of pregnancy and baby discussions , with nothing to offer and nowhere to dissappear to. And, of course, this will be followed by me wallowing in waves of self-pity and envy - all of which I will have to cover up with a big fat goofy grin or silence. Good times.

I'm sure the fact that I have my period and am all crampy and crabby isn't contributing to this either. I honestly just feel like i'm pushing myself to endure something uncomfortable, but at the same time I don't want to aleniate myself from my friends. I feel like I am being a little selfish to worry so much about this and that is making me feel worse on top of everything.

Why, oh why, does this have to be so difficult? Why do I feel the need to hide from my pregnant friends? Why do I feel like I'm being selfish in wanting to self-protect? Why can't I just be happy for others and not compare my situation with theirs? And, lastly, why can't there be an IF superpill cure-all for situations such as these? And, why can't I just be a mommy already?

I'm sure the fact that we haven't heard from our agency in months is not helping out either. And that there have been no couples matched for quite some time and we have lots of couples lined up in front of us. And, the fact that our hometudy expires in 3 months and we will have to start one all over again if we are not matched by then!! If only it were as easy to adopt as the media makes it seem - d*mn celebrity adoptions!!

Planes, hotels, and mellow-dramas

2007-01-14T17:31:00.001-08:00

This past week has been comprised of lots of firsts. Numero uno first is that I experienced my first business trip.... ever. How I managed to not do this for so long is just crazy, but I guess I've always been a lab bench-monkey!! Now that I'm part of a start-up science company, all bets are off. I flew across the country to learn some techniques from some of our partners in a whirlwind couple of days.... It was exciting, but much more work than being at home! We worked long days, complete with meetings afterward, and then we all discussed personal stuff and work (again!) over dinner (with a few beers, of course!). Now I completely understand why Kyle comes home from business trips wiped out!!

While I was on the business trip, I experienced yet another first - staying in a hotel room all by myself. To this one, I'm sure you'd say, what kind of sheltered life have I lived? But honestly, I've always gone on trips with others & never gone on any kind of trip other than for pleasure. Let me assure you that I did live alone in an apartment for a year, so I'm not a total wimp :)

I also experienced my first big-time plane drama - a soap opera literally played out in the row behind me. A buxom young blonde started bonding with this guy next to her. They procceed to suck down jack and cokes, and after a while started hooking up on the plane (arms around each other, kissing, etc.) There was a minister in the row with them and he started lecturing them (mostly the woman) about their lifestyle and the fact that she was going down a bad path (she was recently separated from her husband, as in only for a few days - how do I know this? Anyone in the surrounding 5 rows knew it, believe me!). The blonde then started sobbing loudly and the totally dissed the guy at the end of the plane ride. It was just crazy!

After all the excitment of the week, I needed a very chill weekend - I slept a lot (adjusting to the time change) and watched a lot of movies with Kyle. We rented "Factotum" (interesting with some harsh, brassy dialogue) and then "Sunset Boulevard" (loved it!) to help fulfill my goal of seeing all of AFI's top 100 movies. We also saw "The Good Shephard" in the theatre - it was a very thought provoking movie but entirely too long - almost 3 hours!! I started checking my watch at about 2 hours and my butt was already asleep by then - the film lost me at that point. Well, back to the grind tomorrow - so jealous of everyone that has the day off!!

New year, new (out)look

2007-01-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

I decided it was time to update my blog's design, so here it is... I also took advantage of my precious free time this past weekend and did some organization. I organized a lot of my cabinets, drawers and closets. It is so liberating to tidy up these things - it always feels like a fresh start!!

I also updated and created a lists of goals and to-do's for things I want to accomplish in the next year or two, including books I want to read. I've gotten in the habit of vegging in front of the television on worknights and I'd like to stray away from that and do something productive and/or thought provoking (such as reading or knitting or exercising or scrapbooking). Not that I can't chill out every once in a while but I don't want to be a total couch monger at night!

Bring it on, 2007!

Sweet sixteen

2006-12-30T08:16:00.000-08:00

This week at work, I had some helpers. The helpers were two of my co-workers' daughters and both of them are sixteen years old. Now, I remember myself as a sixteen year old and let's just say I copped a bit of an attitude and gave my parent's plenty of grief. ...But, these teenagers were different. Both were hardworking and respectful and refreshingly sweet. They did all I asked in helping me set up the laboratory, including mundane tasks such as making labels and hanging up wall shelves. They were also genuinely interested in learning some lab techniques I taught them. It renewed my faith that not all teenagers are self-serving and self-absorbed like those portrayed on MTV's "My Sweet Sixteen". Now, one of these girl's does drive a Volvo (her dad is the CEO of my corporation), but even still she seemed to have an appreciation for what she's been given at such a young age.

This past week also taught me something else - I will make a good mom. I could tell that by how I interacted with these girls. My mothering instinct kicked in big time. I was able to offer helpful advice and really seemed to make a good impression on both of these young ladies. It was refreshing because I don't get a lot of exposure to teenagers since my friends all have young children. Maybe I should consider volunteering for Big Brothers/Big Sisters because it was gratifying to be able to share some of my wisdom (what little I've acquired by now)!

Anyhow, I'm nursing a sinus infection I acquired over the holidays after battling a nasty cold. It was still a beautiful Christmas, despite the fact that I went to Urgent Care on Christmas Eve and then had a bad reaction to the antibiotic later that evening :( Even though I was sick, I still had a wonderful time hanging out with my hubby, parents and grandma: eating homemade barbeque and smoked ham with raisin sauce, driving around to see Christmas lights, playing the Family Feud game and Rummy 500, and watching "It's a Wonderful Life". Family bonding is so incredibly important to me. This weekend, I'm taking the time to relax, something I haven't gotten to do in a long time, especially since I worked all this week while not feeling 100%.. I'm looking forward to my weekend of nothingness very much!! (except maybe going out for New Year's if I feel up to it)..

One more thing, I dreamt this past week that Kyle and I had an adopted little girl. It was an incredible dream, full of happiness and joy. We got a call in the middle of the night and then picked her up. The next day we were surrounded by family and friends, while the both of us were holding her. I woke up that morning with such a blissful feeling. Oh, how I hope that dream becomes reality soon!! Little one, your room is all ready and waiting for you. And so are Kyle and I...

What a difference a year makes....

2006-12-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

Last year at this time I was working at the bizzarro pharmacy in the hospital and nursing a newly acquired work-induced shoulder injury. I despised the working environment which exhuasted me both physcially and mentally- definitely not the most memorable time in my life to say the least.

This year, I've got an amazing job at a start-up scientific company doing laboratory bench work. Better yet, one of my friends from my previous job at the marine fisheries lab just accepted a position with the start-up!! In a few weeks, we will be sharing an office and working closely together every day, which I'm psyched about b/c she was my partner-in-crime at the marine fisheries lab. It will be soo nice to have that comraderie with a co-worker right from the start!!

All in all, this has been a pretty good year. Sure, Kyle and I aren't parents yet, but despite that we ARE blessed with soo much. We have a beautiful house near the ocean in a small beach town, we have strong bonds with our families, we have a lot of great and supportive friends, we are financially stable, we are healthy and physically fit, we have a waggly tailed dog and a semi-friendly cat, we both have jobs in our fields of study and most importantly, we have a very solid marriage.

We seem to have the foundation to be able to raise a child in a very loving environment. And, I have faith that this will happen sooner or later. Like my friend, Kris muses about in her most recent blog post, I'm not going to say that maybe 2007 will be the year that "we finally become parents". Because, frankly, it's not up to me when this will occur, and I'm tired of saying it. It will happen when it's meant to happen. I just hope that at the end of the year, I can sum it up as being pretty good, and that the positives outweigh the negatives. Because that's really what's important to me.

Merry Christmas to everyone and may 2007 be a pretty good year for all!

Sock it to me...

2006-12-10T17:46:00.000-08:00

I recieved a phone call from a good friend tonight. It was under the pretense of getting together for a girl's night that we do with another sorority sister of ours about 4 times a year. I was happy to hear from her and we were discussing possible dates for January when she says, " Oh,I'll drive to your town this time because you'll be coming here in May" And, I'm like, "Is there some get together in May that I'm forgetting about?". And then she drops the bomb... "My baby shower will be in May". THIS is how she breaks the news to me. So, then I'm forced to ask, "Oh, are you pregnant?" and then we go through the whole congratulation scenario. And then, I cut the call short because I am so blindsided that I cannot see straight.

And, now I'm dissappointed and hurt. Yes, I knew she was trying to concieve and yes, I asked her to break the news to me via phone (so I wouldn't have to see it at work via email, which has happened to me in the past), but I expected her to at least be straightforward with me.. It was unexpected that she would break the news to me in such a round about manner and basically corner me to ask her if she were pregnant. But, unfortunately, that's what happened. And now, instead of me being happy for her along with a twinge of the green eyed monster, I'm all sorts of crushed. It doesn't help that Christmas is two weeks away and this is the sixth one since we started trying.

So, please learn from this lesson. If you must share news with someone that is difficult to do, please prefice it by saying something along the lines of "This is going to be really hard to tell you but...". That way, it softens the blow and sort of prepares the person mentally for some difficult news. In my opinion, this is so much better than coming out of left field and blindsiding them unexpectedly!!

'Tis the season...

2006-12-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

... to change jobs during the busiest time of year!! I took the plunge and accepted a lab tech position in industry - of the seven years I've been working in biology, this is my first non-civil servant job. Before this I have worked for three state agencies and one federal agency. Pretty crazy considering I'm a libertarian, huh? Anyway, I decided to stomp on the what-if monster and just focus on my career!! So far (I've only been at my new job two days) I am loving doing benchwork again and feeling like an important member of a team again. Of course, I'm still in the honeymoon phase, so I'll report more on that once the newness buzz wears off...

I'm happy to see that three of my fellow adoption bloggers have recently been matched and two have their new babies home with them. This gives me hope that Kyle and I could finally become parents sometime next year (inserting the proverbial *knock on wood*). I'll admit it's been hard to have yet another holiday season approaching with no little one in sight. But, it's been a busy season and that is keeping me preoccupied. Santa, guess what I want this year??

Attack of the "what-if" monster

2006-11-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been considering a big change in my career. I'm thinking of leaving my current job at the marine fisheries lab in lieu of something more suited for my field (molecular biology): good 'ole bench work. I've had a few interviews in laboratories that I really like, and I'm thinking (hoping) I will get an offer from at least one of these places. At both prospective labs, I would be setting up experiments and putting my laboratory skills into play!!

At my current job, I am mostly sitting in front of a computer doing data entry and budget tracking, with the exception of occasionally running the mercury analyzer, which has been few and far between lately..... I was hoping that a benchwork position would open up at my current job, but it looks like only primarily field positions will happen in the near future.... Let me explain the field positions - they require that you go out on the boat a minimum of two days a week, sometimes three, for very grueling days which includes helping pull in a 500 square ft net with lots of fish and seagrass in it. These nets are butt-heavy and some members of our lab have shoulder injuries and a rib injury from pulling these suckers. It is construction-type work more suited for 20-somethings!!

So, my concern, of course, is the prospect of adoption. Since I have no idea WHEN this will happen, I've been engaged in a lot of "what-if" inner dialogue. It goes something like this:

"What-if you take a new position and then the adoption happens a month later?... Will it be easy to take maternity leave ??... And, will I be able to find a day-care on such short notice??..... And, will it be easy to juggle a fairly new job with a tiny baby??..." The questions goes on and on.

You see, I've already made a lot of sacrifices career-wise for my currently non-existent baby:
- I left an awesome job because the commute was too hefty to juggle along with infertility treatments.
- I replaced this awesome job with another cool job with a small commute, which I eventually left due to a devastating miscarriage and in hopes that putting all my energy into treatments would increase our chances of success.
- Next, I partly took this job in the marine fisheries lab in hopes that the adoption would go through quickly and I would have an easy part-time job to balance out new motherhood.

We can all see how well these plans have worked out so far. I'm very jealous of women that haven't made such huge career sacrifices and have children to boot!! Actually, I'm just jealous of women who have children at this point, or a cool carreer! So, I guess I should just focus on my career for now and stop planning so much. Plans, schmans....who needs them anyway??

The music and the memorial

2006-11-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

This weekend is going to be comprised of some highs and lows. First off, we are traveling tonight to Miami to go see this tomorrow: bang music festival . I'm most excited to see Gnarls Barkely, Theivery Corporation and of course, Duran Duran. Duran x 2 was actually the first concert I ever attended when I was about 13, so it will be interesting to see them 20-something years later. I'm sure they are much, much older now :) Anyhow, the concert goes on for 13 hours - starts at 11 am and last 'til midnight - crazy, huh??

Secondly, my Grandma's church is honoring my late Grandpa with a memorial on Sunday. So, after the music festival, we are getting up at the wee hours of the morning to drive across the state. I can't believe it has already been a year since Grandpa passed. Here's a pic of Kyle and I and my grandparents taken in 2003:

We miss you, Grandpa!!!!!

Rocking the vote

2006-11-07T16:33:00.000-08:00

Today is an important day in America because we have the freedom to help decide who is best suited (or in some cases is the lesser evil) to hold an elected office. I hope you all visited the polls today ;) My voting precinct, in true small town fashion, even had a big candy dish at the exit door filled with lots of after-voting caramels and tootsie rolls!!

I, myself, do not vote among partisan lines. This is partly because I'm a libertarian, but more importantly because my beliefs are neither black nor white. ..I consider myself more of a fiscal conservative and somewhat of a social democrat, but I have lots of variants to this classification, one being that I am strongly pro-life. This pro-life stance came about with age, but was also strongly influenced by my infertility. I'm curious to see if the same thing happened to other IF'ers? Please weigh in on this issue as I've wondered for a while if this has affected your views about when exactly life starts - conception, birth, etc??

Oh, and if you're not sure exactly where you fit on the political map, then definitely check this site out : world's smallest political quiz
It's pretty interesting, and just takes a sec!

Adoption reflections

2006-11-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

Lately, my conversations with family and friends regarding our adoption plans have gone like this :

Family/Friend/Co-worker excitedly asks "Any news on the adoption??"
Me (sighingly replies) "Nope".

The last time we heard from our agency was a month or two ago, when our social worker asked if they could show our profile to a birthmom of a particular ethnicity. Since then, we've heard squat. We've gotten absolutely no feedback on our profile in the six months that it's been there, except for the social worker who said it was "so cute" and then asked if I was a teacher. I guess it had that "crafty" look to it.

Hence, the waiting persists. The nursery is close to being done, and the thrill of starting a new journey towards building a family has turned into weariness. I've actually had a few people tell me that we will get "the call" when Kyle and I least expect it... Which is crazy, because after 6 years of wanting to be a mom, the only time I'd least expect it is when I'm old and gray and retired!! After all, when you are ready to be a mom, 9 months is long enough to wait (extra points to anyone who gets my commercial reference and keeps me from kicking in the tv the next time that airs!!)....

The most frustrating part of adoption in my eyes is that it is so passive. There's absolutely nothing Kyle and I can do to enhance our chances of being matched... With infertility treatment, I felt some sense of control (albeit it, small) because I had some kind of timeline - treatments at a certain part of the month followed by the two week wait. There was promise of news at the end of each and every cycle. With adoption, it's just open ended. It could be more months, it could be another year, until it happens. And, until that day, we just do nothing except play the waiting game and contemplate how birthmoms will evaluate our profile and picture Kyle and I as potential parents. It's all very scrutinizing and judge-mental!!

Happy Rasta-ween!

2006-11-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

Here we are all decked out in our Halloween costumes. Don't ya love Kyle's bling on his teeth? Looks real, no?? If only my hair were that long again...

Oh, and happy bday to my hubby today!!! I love you, hon!!

Distractions

2006-10-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is almost here and lots of busy-ness abounds in our household! Kyle and I did another 5K this past weekend, which we really didn't train for, as we were both pretty burnt out from the triathlon four weeks ago. Even so, we both did pretty darn well and Kyle even won an award for being 2nd in his age division for males!! I got my best time ever out of the three 5K's I've attempted: 33 minutes. Now for all you runners out there, I reallize this time may sound suck-tastic, but for me this is noteworthy, since I consider myself a "jogger". My average mile was about 10:50 which beats the pants off my usual 12 min miles... I think maybe Kyle and I have found a new love in athletic competitions. It's fun to challenge ourselves and a great confidence builder to boot!

We went to a couple halloween parties this past weekend - last night dressed as Rasta-people, which is funny considering I'm a very pale skin tone (i'll post pics as soon as I get some). Earlier in the week I camped out with most of my co-workers for a work related fundraising day in the Ocala National Forest. It was fun bonding with everyone - the night before we went out on a flatboat with flashlights to look for gators, hung out by the fire, enjoyed adult beverages and got really silly... we all slept for those precious few hours in our tents huddled around the fire, so it was close quarters. I was the first of us to turn in at 3 am, while most stayed up 'til 5:30 am!! The next groggy day at the fundraising event, I ended up winning soo much stuff from raffles - a new dvd player, a gift certificate to a jeweler, a new ceiling fan, a couple nice plants for the yard and a bath salts and a candle. I almost felt guilty b/c I won back wayy more than I gave to charity!!

We are getting the house ready since we are hosting Thanksgiving at our place this year. Most all of Kyle's family is coming down for this - his sister and bro-in-law from MD, other sister with her fiance and son from AZ, parents from VA and possibly his grandparents from Tennessee. It's exciting that everyone is making the trip down to spend with us!!

Oh and I did go to see "Marie Antoinette" a few weekends ago with a co-worker. It was awesome - very Sophia Coppola and the music rocked. I already bought the soundtrack using an i-tunes gift certificate that I scored for my bday..

Post-vacation marrow

2006-10-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back. The vaca to the Keys was beautiful - we took our first trip in a seaplane - yes, that's right, as in lands in the ocean and takes off from the water. It was fun and had a lot less turbulence that I expected for such a small craft, probably because we weren't flying at a very high altitude. It was weird flying so low over the ocean and I expected to see tons of sealife in the crystal clear waters that surround the Keys, but I only spotted one small shark and two turtles in the entire 80 min ride there and back!! The plane took us over to a nationally protected island, the Dry Tortugas, where we snorkeled for hours and saw lots o' fish and coral. I'm talking mega-sized parrot fish, huge tarpon and one big mamma jamba of a barracuda that was standing his groud pretty mightily!! We also toured Hemingway's House and admired all the extra-toed cats that live there (we have a "Hemingway" descendent tortioseshell which we adopted from a shelter), took in a sunset at Mallory Square, ate at some yummy restaurants and enjoyed lots of live music on Duval. Honestly, you could have fun in Key West just people watching all day - where else would you get to see a street performer playing a flute with his sunglasses-wearing-dog howling everytime he plays a high note or a rastafarian playing the Scooby Doo theme song on his steel drums??

This past weekend was very mellow, just catching up on lots of house stuff that has fallen to the wayside this past month. I did get to indulge in a spa day on Sunday compliments of my parents for my B-day. During my day of beauty, I soaked in a hydrotherapy tub, followed by a spice massage (and man, did I have knots in my back from the tri!!) and then a sparkle and spice pedicure. It was so relaxing and I smelled like a big pumpkin pie afterwards. I felt very, very girly! Kyle and I saw "The Departed" on Saturday night. We are both huge Scorcesse fans and this one lived up to his standards, but wasn't close to being in the same caliber as "Goodfellas". You really can't go wrong with Jack Nicholson and he did not dissapoint!! They played the trailer for "Marie Antoinette" before the movie - now, is it wrong that I want to see this movie mainly because they played one my favorite New Order songs in the background?? :)

Sorry to say, I have absolutely nothing to report on the adoption front. We are still officially waiting. It's been 5 1/2 months since the agency has added us to the pool of prospective parents and 8 1/2 months since we started the adoption process. I'm sure this is partly why I'm so addicted to excercising even though the triathlon is over!!

2:23:50

2006-10-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is my official triathlon finishing time :) I am still on a adrenaline-high from completing this (although my body might tell you differently). My goal was to finish in 3 hours, but I beat that goal by over a half hour!! It was hard, but not as grueling as I anticipated it might be. The open water swim went really well and I completed the 1/4 mile in 12 minutes. The bike leg (16 miles) was the easiest for me, even though our course included 2 causeways. On the bike, there was a nice breeze the whole time and I kept a pretty steady pace of 13-14 miles/hour. I never really felt winded until almost at the top of the last causeway, and by that point the biking portion was just about done. The 5k run, was by far the hardest leg for me. Maybe because it was the last sport, possibly because we had to run over a causeway and then back over the same causeway yet again, or it could've been the blazing hot temperatures in the upper '80s (combined with Fl humidity to make it feel like 90 degrees). I did a a lot of walk/run/walk/run action, which slowed up my overall time quite a bit. Maybe I can run the whole leg on my next "tri": ) Oh, and Kyle finished with a kick-my-butt time of 2:05:39 - go, Kyle!

Kyle and I are planning on going on a mini-4 day vacation this upcoming weekend to celebrate my birthday. We are going to Key West and staying in a cute little B&B there. We are planning taking a seaplane to the Dry Tortugas during our visit, which is supposed to have spectacular views, crystal clear water and excellent snorkeling. I'm very excited, especially since we've been talking about visiting the Keys since we moved back to Florida two years ago. "Duval crawl" here we come!!

Music, sah-weet music

2006-09-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

Music has always played an important role in my life. When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian or a DJ or both. I got my first record player at age 8 or 9, and my very first 45 was "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugar Hill Gang. Ever since I can remember, I've made mixed tapes like a fiend (which morphed into mixed CD's thanks to modern technology). Much like John Cusak's character in High Fidelity, I believe that songs represent key moments in our lives. Some of them for me are:

"Wavelength" by Van Morrison.... my dad used to wear headphones and sing this loudly when I was a child. It reminds me of carefree days playing with friends in my backyard and exploring the town on our bikes.

"What a Fool Believes" by Michael McDonald.... played during my first time slow dancing with a boy at my friend Jennifer's party in 6th grade. He was one of my first crushes.

"Rio" by Duran Duran.... This was my very first concert. My friends and I were only 13, so we had to go with chaperones but I still remember how excited we were to see our "idols". One of my friends even fainted!!!

"And She Was" by Talking Heads ..... This was playing during my sweet 16 surprise party. My friend Paul also gave this album to me that night and I still have it today. Good times.

"Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy... In high school, one of the local radio stations would play this every Friday as school let out. My friends and I would blast it in our cars while driving home.

"With or Without You" by U2 .... I played this over and over after breaking up with my high school boyfriend of 2 years. It was pretty fitting for our relationship (oddly enough it was also played at the event I describe below).

"Father Figure" by George Michael... one of the songs featured at my high school friend's funeral who was killed by a drunk driver a year after we graduated

"It Ain't Over Til it's Over" by Lenny Kravitz.... this is one of Kyle and I's signature songs. It reminds me of our college relationship when we had a lot of ups and downs but knew we were meant for one another and it would all work out in the end

"We are Family" by Sister Sledge .... My sorority sisters and I would request this everytime we went out dancing. Total chick bonding song.

"No Woman No Cry" by Bob Marley... Played at our reception, while the annoucer was introducing the wedding party. I still remember the nervous knots I had before walking in. Bob Marley is one of Kyle's favorite artists, so his songs always remind me of him

"Blue" by Eiffel 65.... Kyle and I first heard this in Germany while we were visiting our friend Chris there. We must have played this 20 times in the car during our trip. It will always remind me of Germany and car dancing!

"This Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos.... This was released the year Kyle and I were doing infertility treatments and had three miscarriages. It reminds me of loss, sorrow and wintertime all rolled up into one.

"Let Go" by Frou Frou... I first heard this in the movie Garden State (which is one of my all time favs). I felt like it represented a lot of my IF experience and I played it over and over while writing my magazine article which got published in "Infertility Times" last year (it's now called achieving families). It's a very cathartic song for me which still brings tears to my eyes

I could go on and on but I'll stop myself here (thank god, right??). It's just amazing how all these songs invoke specific memories each time I hear them. And how music really creates a mood - no wonder I love Gray's Anatomy so much!!

On a side note - I have a shoulder injury, a rhomboid muscle strain, most likely from overuse due to my crazy exercise schedule. I saw the doctor on Friday and she did some electrostim treatments and gave me muscle relaxers and strong anti-inflammatories. I go back on Mon, Wed, Fri from more stim treatments, but the good news is that she thinks I can still participate in the tri next Sunday! I just have to take it easy this weekend (NO swimming or weight lifting classes but I can still run and bike) and hopefully can try a little swimming again on Monday night.

Yeah, it's pretty much like that

2006-09-17T04:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the supportive replies to my last post. I know you IF bloggers can empathize with the feeling of a "life in pause-mode" when it comes to having children!! Even though Kyle wasn't as upset by the news of our friends having a third child, I saw a different side of him yesterday. Yesterday, we attended our friends' one-year-old little girl's birthday party/bbq. We were expecting some kids there but honestly it seemed like 75% of the couples had little ones. There were soo many little tots running around - I don't know why we were surprised, it was a children's party, after all. But it definitely wore on him a lot more that I've seen before. I guess what got to us is that not only are we childless-not-by-choice, but now we seem to be in the minority of the married population for our age range, as in married without kids. We have VERY little couple friends left without children at this point. And, we are just so beyond ready to be parents... I really hope our "number" is called soon (no pun intended)....

On a positive note, we did some mega-tri training yesterday. We rode our bikes 14 miles (including over one causeway), then transitioned to run 3 miles over a causeway, down the road some, then back over the causeway yet again. The biking distance was close to what we'd do on race day (15.9 miles) and the running almost exactly the same length (3.2 miles). On Fri after work, we swam the entire distance for the tri- so basically we did the whole tri in 2 days this time as opposed to 4 last weekend. It was incredibly challenging to run after all that biking - my legs felt like wet noodles for the first couple of minutes into it. By that point it was also quarter 'til 10 and the temp was probably close to 90 degrees. So I did a lot of walk-run-walk-run action. I figure I can challenge myself to run the entire length on my next triathlon. For now, I just want to finish, no matter what my time is :)

Oh, and I learned how to filet fish at work, too - it's what we do with leftovers once we are finished taking age/reproductive info and mercury data (I work in a fisheries lab). We donate the filets to a local mission nearby. It was exciting to prepare the filets, as I've never completely cut up or skinned a fish before!! Sounds gross, I know, but it was cool to learn a new skill like that. I guess I can add something new to my 43 things list ;)

Anniversary smanniversary

2006-09-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

This month marks the passing of 6 years that Kyle and I have been trying to have children.. Yes, it's a sucktastic milestone that I'd rather just forget....... And, to add to the fun, I just recieved an email from a friend that a mutual friend of ours is expecting. But wait, did I mention that this mutual friend MET her hubby the month that K and I starting trying for a baby? And, did I mention that this will be her THIRD child? As in, she met this guy, dated him, fell in love, got married, had a child, had another child, and now is expecting another one in the span of years that Kyle and I have been wishing/hoping/praying to be parents??? Man, that really puts it into perspective. Not that I needed a reminder of how looong we've wanted to be parents... yeah, it ain't a banner day over here that's for sure. I'm usually pretty good about keeping my head up high, but today is really really tough. Big sigh....

Nursery goodness

2006-09-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

Here's what it looks like right now. Notice the beautiful handmade quilt (draped over the glider) and crocheted baby blanket (on the crib) both made by my mother-in-law. She didn't know our theme when she started these, but they fit in beautifully, especially since our primary colors are red, yellow and blue!!

Here's a closeup of the quilt - notice the cutie-pie cows and apple trees surrounded by patches of little jumping sheep. My favorite part is that she personalized the back with "For Baby Cacciatore, with love from Nana". It's so cute that she already has a grandma name picked out!!

Here's the starfish-shaped nightstand that my parents got us from PB Kids (oh, how I LOVE that store). It matches our crib color exactly and even has the same distressed pattern. I love that it has so much personality, too!!

So, that's the progress. There are still little things to be done that will keep me busy during the wait. Oh, and we tried out the carseat in my VW bug this weekend and it fits like a charm!! YAY!! No worries about parting with my car. Especially since I already did the mom car thing and we know how well that turned out!!

On the exercise front, Kyle and I basically did the entire triatholon in the past 4 days. On Thursday night, we jogged almost a 5 K, doing 3 miles in a park near our house. Both of our times were way faster than the pace we do on the treadmill, which was surprising considering we were on pavement and out in the heat. I finished in 31 minutes, as opposed to the 36-38 min it takes me on the treadmill. On Saturday, we swam about 1/3 of a mile in the pool in our gym, which is a tad bit longer than the 1/4 mile we will be swimming. What's good about this is when I get tired, the backstroke is my saviour in the water!! This morning we did the entire biking portion on the exact same route we'll be doing during the tri - it was 15.9 miles and included two causeways. Kyle smoked me, of course, but I wasn't too shabby finishing with a time of 1 hour 18 mins.

Goal o' licous

2006-08-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I sort of need a kick in the butt to live in the moment and enjoy the present. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in "when Kyle and I finally have a baby" mode that I sometimes miss what's going on in the right-here-and-now. My friend Keri had told me about this website where you can write out your goals and track your progress online.

Now, I already have a personal website with a "50 Things to Do Before I Die" list but it's not one that I update often or think about. This new website, entitled "43 things" is an interactive medium where you can blog about your progress, view other's goals and cheer on your friend's goals.

I like the idea of putting both long and short-term goals in writing - even silly ones like painting my kitchen (which I've been meaning to do since I moved into the house 1 year and a half ago). Plus, I think this will give me something new to focus my energy on, now that the nursery is starting to really shape up (I promise to post pics soon, I swear - maybe that needs to be one of my goals? Ha ha) and my tri is only a little only a month away (still keeping my fingers crossed that I can participate, won't know til then!)

Here's the link to my goals. I'll add it somewhere on the blog soon. I don't have 43 listed out yet, but enough to start working on them. Check back as I'll be updating them regularly!!

The joys of being a woman...

2006-08-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

My body has let me down in a lot of ways: The fact that I cannot carry a child. The fact that I have a blood clotting defect, so I cannot go on birth control to regulate my cycles. The fact that I have a super heavy flow with massive cramps, which I cannot alleviate with the use of the pill for the aforementioned reason.
And, now the fact that my d*mn menstrual cycle is being delayed (most likely due to lots of exercise) and looks like this delay will affect my ability to participate in the triathlon, b/c I won't be able to do the tri on the heaviest day of my next cycle (for obvious reasons). I'm not going to sugarcoat this folks, I'm pissed. Pissed that I have to deal with a heavy, super crampy cycle every month for no d*mn good reason, and pissed that this may now prevent me from accomplishing something which is helping occupy my time during "the wait" and honestly keeping me from going mental as my six year anniversary of trying for children approaches next month. Arggghhhh!! Any ideas on how to delay your cycle naturally?

On a lighter note, I did get to visit with Kris this weekend, since she was in town visiting her family. We spent yesterday morning together having breakfast and it was great to see her face to face again after 3 years. She looks fabulous and is excited about her upcoming well deserved vacation in the Bahamas...

A day of slumber

2006-08-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well, my body finally rebelled from all the activity and I got a whopping sinus headache on Friday complete with sinus pressure and itchy ears. I called in sick and literally slept the entire day: as in, fell asleep on the couch in the a.m. after watching about 20 minutes of news, woke up to eat some soup, moved to the bedroom for more slumber, awoke at 3:30 and relocated to the couch again only to take catnaps between t.v. time.!! When Kyle came home from work, I hung out with him for a little bit and then slept again from 9 pm to 8 am the next morning. Think perhaps I was a bit tired?? The sleep did the trick though, by Saturday I felt tons better. Honestly, I think I was just run down and needed a recoup day!!

Got a lot of tri training done this weekend - Kyle and I biked from our house to the causeway, rode over the causeway on the bike lane (which is a little unnerving with cars whizzing past you at 50 mph!) and back home. It was probably about 85 degrees, which will be a similar temp during our actual triathlon. We rode about 6 miles total and weren't very winded, so I'd say our endurance level is definitely rising. I also hit the gym today and did 4 miles on the elliptical followed by 7 miles on the bike, for a total of 675 calories, which ain't too shabby!! My parents are thinking of coming down to cheer us on for the tri, so that's even more incentive to actually finish the darn thing :)

We also purchased a car seat this weekend, which honestly freaks me out. I know this is silly because our nursery is about 60% done (new pics coming soon, by the way) but for some reason this is hitting home. I think what is hitting home is that the call could come at any minute now and it will come when we least expect it!! Plus, I want to make sure this carseat fits in my VW beetle, too (fingers crossed because I love that car and I already had the "mom" car before which jinxed everything, so no more).....

Whew...

2006-08-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

Life has been very busy lately within our household. We are definitely finding lots and lots of things to occupy our time during "the wait" for "the call". The reggae concert this past weekend was soo much fun - there were five bands who played for a total of 5 hours! Lots of good dancing music and a great selection of beer as well (I'm a beer snob who will not settle for MOST American brand beers). The best part about the concert was that it was held on the beach - it's a concert venue which does a lot of outdoor events and they put the stage right on the sand and lots of metal chairs - they also rope off the perimeter so that non-ticket holders don't wander in. It's cool though to be at a concert so close to the ocean and have sand between your toes!!

I also had a fun girl's day with my friend Cyndi on Sunday. We got our toes done and she helped me with my "secret" baby registry (okay, so it's not so secret now, but I haven't released it for public view, so technically it is still secret!!) Cyndi has a beautiful almost-one-year-old-daughter (who's walking up a storm as of late), so she went through my registry and vetoed unnecessary things (like a bottle sterilizer) and suggested lots of useful things that I was clueless about. We had one of those scanners, so it was fun to have her just grab stuff and me scan away. I can definitely see how someone could go buck wild with scanning, though!!

I'm leaving soon to do a spinning class with some friends from work. This will be the 3rd day in a row I've worked out. Tri training is really such an awesome motivator. I may have to sign up for something like this at least once a year, to help keep in shape!!

Adoption ramblings

2006-08-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

In our adoption seminar a few weeks ago, they gave us a list of famous people who have been adopted themselves or have adopted kids. Some I knew about, but many I wasn't aware of. I'd like to share some with you here, just because I need more "adoptive stuff" to talk about. You see,when I was undergoing infertility treatments, there was always something going on to discuss. But now that we are past the home study stage of adoption, it's literally just a standstill. People always ask me for updates, to which I reply : "We won't know until we literally have two hours notice, or a birthmom selects our profile. Other than that were are still waiting". I could be repeating this phrase now for months on end (cross your fingers that it's not years..)

So, here's my "they were adopted? that's cool" list:
- Aristotle
- Edgar Allen Poe
- Nancy Reagan
- John Lennon
- President Gerald Ford
- Tim McGraw
- Sarah Mclaughlin
- Nelson Mandela

And, here's my "they've adopted kids? how cool" list (note that I will NOT be including Brangelina on this list!!):
- Ronald and Nancy Reagan
- Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne
- Maury Povich and Connie Chung
- Walt and Lily Disney
- Bob and Delores Hope

As for the tri training, you'll be proud to hear (err, read) that instead of happy hour tonight, I hit the gym. Fear, my friends, is a great motivator.!! That and the fact that we are going to a reggae fest concert tomorrow night with friends and generally have a pretty packed weekend,so I gotta squeeze some calorie-muscle-burning time in somewhere :)

Road trip

2006-08-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

There was lots of family bonding this weekend, as my mom and I did a roadtrip together. We went to my grandmother's house on Saturday for an overnight stay which included a couple of Rummy 500 tournaments and lots of good eats (her potato salad is kick a#$!). The next day we traveled to Tampa for the "American Idols" concert. Yes, that's right, we are total Idol-heads - us and the 16,000 other people who were at the sold out show that night! It was totally fun and such a mixed-bag audience: little kids, older people, families, couples - you name it.

That night we stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, where I beat the odds and earned some extra spending duckets for our nursery. It was a fun extended weekend - my mom and I are really more like sisters and I'm very fortunate to have such a close relationship with her. It's something I hope to have with my future child!!

Also, my mom and dad bought us a way cute star shaped nightstand for our nursery from PB Kids (I'll post pics soon). The nursery decorating is really coming along - we still need some curtain rods for the tiki valences,lined baskets for our changing table and a few more small items and we'll be in good shape..

The triatholon training is going - I took a little hiatus this past weekend for my roadtrip, but I did run outside at my grandma's house on Sunday morning. Today I helped out with fish collection at my lab and was on the boat pulling nets all day, so I'm nursing some sore muscles (thank god for Aleve!) and am forgoing the gym until tomorrow. I do need to start heat conditioning soon, so that's my next goal.

Sleep interrupted

2006-08-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

Kyle and I went attended a pre-placement workshop at our adoption agency this past weekend. It was pretty informative and really put me more into touch with the birthmom's side of this whole process. We also learned that the "most likely" scenario in which we will hear of our baby, is in the middle of the night. You see, the current trend at the agency is for them to get a call from a hospital saying they have a birthmom that wants to give her newly born baby up for adoption. As in RIGHT AWAY. So , usually, within hours of the call from the hospital to the agency, a prospective adoptive parent (s) has been notified and are on the way to the agency to meet their new baby. It all happens in a whirlwind. And for some reason, this usually seems to transpire in the middle of the night!!

You see, I had this fantasy that a birthmom would stroll into the agency, peruse through the adoptive parent profiles and pick us out of the bunch. This fantasy included the fact that she was 6 months pregnant, so Kyle and I would have plenty of time to really prepare and gear up for our new baby. But, now, I'm on edge everytime I go to sleep - each night, I'm thinking, could tonight actually be THE night?? It's a little unnerving. And exciting...

P.S. One of the comments asked about average wait time. We are going through a private, domestic agency and there really is no set in stone average time. The agency has told us that it could take as little as 2 months to as long as 2 years. It varies based on your race preferences, etc. Our home study was officially signed about a month ago, so it could be anytime this year, or the next year, or even *gulp* sometime in in 2008. I think that's part of the reason I'm so on edge!!

Whip it, into shape

2006-07-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today's workout: 2 miles elliptical, 5 miles bike.

Today's counteractive carbs: 2 mini chocolate glazed donuts, a handful of doritos, a handful of Cheetos puffs - all consumed to combat boredom at staff meeting held halfway across the state today.

This weekend's impressive feat: Workout out DURING our extended weekend trip to visit family.

This weekend's big AWE-inspiring moment: Recieving a homemade quilt and crocheted blanket from my mother-in-law for our expectectant little one :)

A new challenge on the horizon

2006-07-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend has very been productive on the home-front. Productive, yet relaxing at the same time. Kyle is assembling our crib as I type this... yes, that's right, we are now entering phase two in nursery decoration, which is "actually have the guts to take the items out of the box and assemble them". We recieved the "surf's up" mobile on Friday and it is way, way cute. In the mobile, half of the little bears are riding surfboards and the other half are wearing grass skirts. After seeing it, I realized I could have made one for, like, half the price but who cares since we've been waiting what seems like ions to do this!!

Our new combo extra bedroom/study room (combined b/c of the nursery and loss of the study/guy's fun room) is coming together nicely and I've almost got that totally organized. Because of the downsizing we have some extra homeless, placeless furniture that I'm hoping to sell at a friend's garage sale. I also labelled and filed all of our loose photos in acid free boxes. Yes, it seems as if we are nesting and getting prepared, which is what expecting parents do after all. Oh, and we lounged around on the beach, or more I lounged around on the beach while Kyle learned surfing. We also rented "Hostel", which is wacked but an interesting concept. Lots of attempted shock factor that really didn't pan out.

Oh, and we registered for a mini-triathlon this past weekend. Yes, I've officially gone crazy to think that I will be able to finish something of this magnitude!! Some of our friends are doing it, which convinced us that we could too... Pretty nutty considering the most I've ever competed was in a 5K. The "mini-triathlon" consists of swimming 0.25 miles in the intracoastal waterway, then biking for 15.9 miles (which includes going over two causeways), then running 3.5 miles over a causeway and back. Kyle and I have started to up our gym time to kick our butts into shape. This past week we went to the gym five times! Today, we did a mini-mini-mini triathlon trial - I did 2 miles on the elliptical, then 5 miles on the bike, then swam for 4 laps (which is like 0.1 miles). After that I was completely pooped out, but felt good too. The hardest part for me so far is swimming and relearning breath control with goggles on.... so, we'll see... today Kyle did 15 miles on the bike and then swam 10 laps. I'd say he surpassed me today, but I'm gonna catch up!

The long, long, long awaited nursery

2006-07-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

There is much progress on the nursery front. Yesterday, I rented a steam clean machine and gave the carpet a good scrubbing. Pretty much all the pre-existing furniture has been moved to other parts of the house and we are going to sell the leftovers, which includes the last of our fresh-outta-college-on-a-tight-ass-budget Ikea furniture.

Oh yeah, we have picked out the theme, too: it is Tropical, slightly Hawaiian. Very fitting for a house on a barrier island which is five blocks from the beach 'eh? This theme also suits us perfectly since we (a) don't know the gender of the baby and (b) don't care for frou-frou overly cutesy stuff. I just ordered a buttload of stuff this weekend, so I'm anxiously awaiting receiving it and figuring out a wall color (or possibly not, since the walls are a lt grey, which may end up complimenting everything perfectly!).

Some people have requested pictures, so be forewarned that there is a huge onslaught of them in this paragraph! Here is our pattern in red. We got the crib skirt and valences in to compliment our Pali crib, which is a dark blue. Here is our super cool lamp , which I especially love since I own an '04 VW beetle coupe!!! And we also got this sign to hang on the wall. The sign is so fitting, don't ya think? And, lastly, we got this way cute mobile too....

Yes, I'm very excited about embracing all the decorativeness!! My friend Cyndi lent me the book "Baby Bargains" which I'm using as my nursery "bible". Without it, I would have no idea that crib sheets needed wide fitting elastic corners or what the heck a boppi is. The book also has recommended spending amount for everything, which has been keeping me in check as far as a budget goes!!

So, all of this has helped me to pass the time, now that we are officially in the "waiting pool" at our adoption agency. It's very nerve racking to not have a specific timeline and Kyle and I have been bickering a lot as of late because of this "new" kind of stress. Not that the IF stuff is new, but adoption is a whole new ball game!! It's weird to be so far removed from the process....

I'm going to be a nervous mom....

2006-06-27T15:17:00.000-07:00

....If today is any indication. Kafka, formerly known as franken-beagle, scared the crap outta me today! I came home for lunch, as I frequently do during a workday, to let him have a potty break since he's a senior dog (going on 13!). When I let him out this afternoon, he went to the middle of our lawn, plopped his bottom down and started puking. After that, he walked a few steps to our covered back porch, laid on his side and wouldn't move. He was breathing rather shallowly and wouldn't acknowledge me at all. What really concerned me, was that the dog REFUSED a treat. And, this is of great concern, because Kafka NEVER refuses food. Hell, half the things he puts into his mouth on a regular basis cannot even be classified as food.

So, he's laying there and I start freaking. While crying hysterically, I call Kyle and asked him to come home, because I would need help carrying Kafka to the vets office. The vet's office was awesome, as they squeezed him in their schedule within a few hours. And. within an hour Kafka started moving a little bit around the house, although he was moping a lot. Turns out he has a clostridium infection in his colon. The vet said it probably resulted from the stress of surgery on an older dog. So we've got some more meds for him and some bland-o-licous canned food we can starting feeding him after 24 hours....

Again, I'm thankful my little guy is ok. And, I hope I can learn to freak out less when our real baby-to-be is sick!! But, Kafka is older, so that's always in the back of my mind - that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it :)

Declutter-ization

2006-06-18T15:10:00.001-07:00

I just wrote out this huge post and then blogger ate it. Anyway, Kyle and I spent this weekend organizing our home - sounds wayyy exciting, no? See, our beagle has to be monitored 24/7 because he's found a way to bite at his switches and staples despite the satellite dish around his head. We even had to work around this during the week - I brought Kafka to work a couple of days (kudos to my cool boss) and Kyle worked from home a couple days to baby-sit our pooch. We haven't even been able to leave the house TOGETHER for 10 days (besides those couple quick outings with Kafka in our car). I guess this whole scenario guess is good preparation for you-know-what. Except we'll be able to bring a little one to dinner and other social events!! But, tomorrow, Kafka gets his switches/staples and head-cone removed, so he'll be roaming free again and able to take walks at the park. And, Kyle and I can resume our normal schedules...

So, we've organized the house and tackled projects we should of done upon moving in: lining the shelves, installing a programmable thermostat, putting all our spices in labeled metal tins which attach to the inside our pantry closet doors (thanks, Alton Brown for that ingenious idea!) and bill/general paper-mess clean up. We also our starting to rearrange in anticipation for a room-change (like the elusive verbage??). Today, I cleared out the closet which was jam packed with a full bookcase, metal filing cabinet and office-stuff galore. After this, we can see if the computer desk will fit in our guest room (albeit it temporary) and we can get rid of our second tv which is currently collecting dust.

As you can see, I figured I'd say to hell with the whole "jinxing theory" and enjoy my "expectant" status. My next project is to pick out a theme and paint colors and start transforming the look of THE room. The paint has to match the crib we bought - oops, did I just type that? Well, I have to admit we DID buy a crib. We didn't go to the store intending to do so, but the one we fell in love with (Pali convertible in a Hawaiian blue color) was being discontinued and offered at a sweet deal including the pieces needed to convert it into a double bed. Kyle's kinda freaked out by it and so it's sitting in the box in the garage. Maybe we're crazy for do so without a referral yet, but oh well. Doing this keeps me less anxious and allows us to prepare at a leisurely pace...

We also watched some of the World Cup this weekend. I have to say I'm really impressed - the game is fast-paced without using brut force and incredibly fun to watch. I don't quite get why Americans place so much emphasis on American football. Or why we're the only ones to call football "soccer" and make up our own version of football. That really escapes me!! We also rented a cool movie, called "Stay" with Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts. I'm surprised I've never heard of it before, it was a smart, keep-you-guessing type plot similar to Memento, Fight Club or a M. Night Shyamalan movie. It's one of those films that you ponder for days...

My little franken-beagle

2006-06-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

Kafka is our first practice child, a beagle we've had for 12 years now.

I adopted (see a theme here??) Kafka from a local shelter way-back when I was in college, which was an idiotic move on my part since I kept him on a warped schedule (i.e. no schedule). In college, I would frequently come home at 3 a.m. in the morning with land mines strewn all over the living room because the poor dog had been locked inside for hours at a time with no potty break. He also chewed up everything in site (out of spite for the non-existent schedule) - a remote control, a heating pad (which was still plugged in), a dictionary, shoes galore and many unmentionables :) Thanks to the loving and giving nature of my parents, they took Kafka in and cared for him while I finished college. After college, Kafka became a most important member of Kyle and I's family. He has been with us for as long as we've been married (9 1/4 years and counting) and even while we were dating. So in essence, Kyle and I haven't spent much of our time together without Kafka....

So, this past Wednesday Kafka had surgery to remove five benign fatty tumors. These growths were so big they were starting to impair his walking ability. We had put off removing them for so long because they were merely cosmetic issues, that was until they starting hampering his movement. Needless to say, I was beyond nervous about my geriatric dog "going under" and was trying to mentally prepare myself for the fact that he may not survive the anesthesia. It was beyond freaky and I would cry at the weirdest moments just thinking about losing our little guy. Thankfully, out vet did a great job and Kafka is healing up wonderfully. He also looks like he's shed 5-10 pounds just from the tumor removal. I guess in a way, it was a liposuction procedure :)

It's hard to see from the picture, but he's got three big incisions on his belly and one on his back leg that have been stapled up. There's another incision on the other side that was stitched up as well. The vet opted to use staples after the first set of stitches because he didn't want to keep him under any longer than absolutely necessary. Which was a very wise decision as far as I'm concerned!!

Anyhow, I'm so thankful my little guy is ok. He's trying desperately to pick at his back leg and has figured out a way to do despite the head-cone, so we are having to baby-sit him all weekend. Looks like we'll be watching a lot of movies the next couple of days :)

The zenness of the shuffle

2006-06-01T04:17:00.000-07:00

I finally did it - I upgraded to the 2000's, musically speaking. Up until a month ago, I used to work out at the gym with my sony walkman. Yes, the same one that plays cassette tapes that was oh-so-popular in the 80's. In order to use the walkman, I would create all these mixed tapes using my cd's or dig out the handful of cassettes I actually had left over from the 80's. Then, while I was at the gym I would lug around the clunky walkman, which attached to the elastic on my shorts and would constantly knock against my hip while running or doing the elliptical.....

So, finally, after watching my husband transfer music files with such ease and speed to his Ipod, I decided to get the tiny Ipod shuffle. All I can say about it, is that I'm completely and utterly hooked on this little device. The cool thing about the shuffle is that you load it with all kinds of music (it holds over 100 songs) and then it shuffles them up and plays them in NO particular order. Which is awesome, because you never know what song is coming up next - in one session at the gym I could hear Coldplay, followed by Shakira, followed by George Michael and then the Killers. The possibilities are endless and the best part is that its all music handpicked by moi. But, without the pressure of having to pick the order or design playmixes. There honestly is something very zen about the shuffle, because you have absolutely no control over what song comes next (there is no display screen like in the other ipods, just a fast forward button if you must skip over a song)...

Funny how I'm seeing a theme with control or lack of it in my life. Maybe the Ipod shuffle is supposed to help me embrace my new outlook on life of just letting go and having faith...... or maybe I'm just reading too much into things. Either way, I loves my shuffle!!

Expecting?

2006-05-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

So, we've done it. Kyle and I have officially completed our homestudy, profile scrapbook for the birthmoms to peruse, fingerprints, physicals, and other life-probing stuff. What exactly does this mean? It means that we now have been officially added to the pool of "prospective parents" at the agency. It means that a birthmom could choose us any day now. It also means we could get a call saying a baby has been born at some hospital, and within days it could become ours.

This seems very surreal. Especially after 5 1/2 years of trying, wishing, hoping, dreaming and praying for a baby. Almost like it's a pipe dream. But, I've decided to take a leap of faith and believe that adoption will actually *gulp* happen. Yep, that's right, I uttered the very words that I've been scared to say lest the jinx-monster take my dream away. I've realized that I need to start trusting in God's plan and have faith. Faith that this is the path we are meant to be on. Faith that there is no such thing as jinxing things. Faith that preparing for a baby isn't going to squander my dream.

So, I guess this classifies me as a "mommy-to-be" since I don't get to participate in the whole pregnancy thing. And because of this, I went out and bought some baby books. I bought "What to expect the first year" and "The girlfriend's guide to buying baby gear". My first clue that Kyle and I may need to start reading up on parenting was after he asked me last week what "swaddling" meant :) Sure we've have/had lots of friends with babies and lots-o-baby-exposure, but we've never actually spent the night with an infant, at least not one we had to attend to ourselves. Which means that we are pretty clueless when it comes to a lot of basic maintenance.

I'll admit I felt like a giant poser traversing the parenting isles. It honestly felt really weird NOT to be looking at the infertility book section for once.

So, yes I guess I am "expecting". Not in a traditional way and not in a way that strangers will be able to tell, but I'll know. I'll know that faith is getting me through.

So close......

2006-04-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

So yesterday Kyle received a pretty shocking phone call. It was from our adoption agency - they had an adoption of a four month old "fall through" and were calling all prospective parents to see if they were interested.... Because we haven't totally completed our homestudy paperwork yet (but are very, very close), we haven't officially been added to our agencies list of prospective parents at the agency..... So, obviously Kyle was completely floored by the phone call. He was so flabbergasted by the unexpected offer, that he didn't even think of asking any questions about this case.... The phone call was literally like ..ummm? what??? a baby??? ummmm.... ok..... holy cr*p.... I'll call my wife...

He calls me at work with this news. Which freaked me out, as I haven't told my boss that we are adopting yet. I was waiting til next week, when all the paperwork was submitted.

And, neither of us were mentally ready for this, since we didn't think it would happen until all the paperwork was done. And, even when the paperwork was done, we still in the back of our minds thought it would take a while.. even up to two years, maybe. So, we digested this news for a few hours and then Kyle calls the agency back to get more info. The lady who called him was in a meeting, so he left a message. And then we never heard back. Which leads us to believe some other couple jumped on this offer already....

Even though we are disappointed, we realize that this was a good wake up call for both of us. We realized we are not even remotely ready for a baby. We hadn't even thought of a lot of things like - would I continue working? If so, how much maternity leave could I take? And, would my boss let me work part-time for a few months after leave while I get adjusted?? And, if I did want to work part-time how would we get childcare on such short notice??? And, is Kyle going to be able to juggle being a dad with his demanding work schedule and school on top of this? He hardly has free time for anything else right now. How do you squeeze a baby into a schedule that's already jam packed??

It also made us realize that we have absolutely nada prepared in our household. The prospective baby's room is totally decorated as a study and Kyle's gaming room. It's chock full of computer stuff, video game stuff, books, games, cd's and whatnot. Another thing we realized is that we wouldn't have anything to pick up a newborn in or for them to sleep in, bathe in, etc. I realize that these are only material possessions and can be picked up quickly, but to have absolutely nothing on hand and get a phone call to pick up a baby within hours would be pretty freaky...

This lack of preparation is totally self-protecting behavior, we realize. We've been waiting to decorate a nursery and welcome a baby into our lives for 5 1/2 years now. But after so many years of disappointments, including losses, we've backed away from preparing, as it only seems to as I love put to it - "jinx" things.

But, now I'm thinking that we need to prepare somewhat. Because it is going to be total chaos to become parents with absolutely zero preparation. And, part of me needs the preparation process as well. In this whole crazy journey, I crave and desire some semblance of normalcy. I long to be able to set up a nursery before our little one arrives. I want to be able to stroll through a baby store and pick out baby items ahead of time at a leisurely pace. I'd love to have a baby shower celebration for this long, long, long, awaited little one. I desire to be able to read Dr. Spock's book of childcare and all other childcare *manuals* ahead of time. I want to be able to pick out names months beforehand, like most other parents do, instead of making something up on the fly. And, I don't want to have to do any of these aforementioned things after the adoption, even if it's the wiser plan of action considering all we've been through.

I'm tired of being scared to enjoy things regarding parenthood. Infertility has robbed Kyle and I of the many joys that most parents are able to experience. It has made us so very careful of getting excited about being parents, lest it never happens. And, I'm ready to embrace the preparation process, irregardless of whether we ever actually become parents or not. If we never become parents, than yes, this is going to crush our hopes and dreams. But, now I'm starting to realize that whether or not we *prepared* to become parents won't make much difference in the long run. What I'm trying to say is that we won't be any more or less disappointed about not becoming parents just because we didn't embrace actually preparing.

So, I guess it looks like I'm going to start blogging again. And, if I jinx stuff, oh well. Because I'm ready to let go of my fears and let God's plan happen the way it will. I think I'm really starting to come to grips with the fact that Kyle and I have no control over the outcome. And talking about things is not going to affect God's plan It took me 5 1/2 years to learn this, but better late than never.

To blog or not to blog??

2006-04-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

You see, I've been thinking long and hard about this blogging thing lately. And, I've decided, for my own protection, that I probably shouldn't do it anymore. I've had such crappy luck with making things public, that I just can't risk ruin anything yet again.

Now, I know this seems stupid. And, like I'm giving into the whole crazy jinxing theory. And, like my friend, Kris said, how can I even believe in God and back "luck" or "jinxing" at the same time? Well, apparently I can, even though it doesn't make a lick of sense, but neither does unexplained infertility, really....

The root of this is, is that I'm too scared to write about our adoption journey, only to have it fail miserably. In a lot of ways, I'm self-protecting - I can't even really get excited about delving into adoption right now because it honestly does not *seem* real. Yeah, we've done part of a homestudy and piles of paperwork and other life-probing stuff. But, in my heart of hearts, I can't seem to grasp that after 5 1/2 years of longing to be a parent, that it may actually become TRUE. I've been stuck in this nightmare for so long, that it's hard to believe that it may come to an end and I may wake up an actual mom. And, that Kyle may actually become a dad.

I'm amazed that after my many gaps in posting that people still check this. That is pretty freakin' cool. And I would love to share what's going on, but I'm just to d*&n scared. The infertility has changed me in a lot of different ways, and living in fear of the jinx-monster is just one of them....

I continue to read lots of your blogs though. And my friends baby's blogs too. Some of them don't even know how often I check them, but I do. It is a great way to keep up with a friend's most intimate details of their lives. I just wish I had the courage to keep posting mine.

Others in IF land must feel this way too right? I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this subject. So, please, comment away!!

Mum's the word

2006-03-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

I figured I'd better post something, before my blog goes stale!!! You see, I've been afraid to write anything positive anymore, for fear that things will plummet into the realm of disappointments just as soon as I record some kind of happy news. This could be a crazy side effect from my three very early losses, my most recent working experience at the bizzaro-pharmacy and my five and a half-years-and-counting IF journey. I've had to tell and un-tell joyous news so much in the past five years, that now I'm a tad bit scared to yap much about anything!!! I'm not even certain that I want to keep blogging, especially since we are starting to get our feet wet into adoptiveness..... and again, I'm really paranoid about writing too much down about that, lest it get jinxed, too....

But, I will share that I took a job - it wasn't my first choice dream one, but my second choice out of the four places I interviewed at. So far, so good, but again, don't wanna say much....

Jinx, there it is!

2006-02-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

So, I believe in God and the fact that he has a perfect plan for all of us. I believe in this wholeheartedly, even if it seems that a lot of times in life, my view of the perfect plan and his view seem to differ. But, ever since I have experienced infertility, I have this crazy, deep-seated feeling that everytime I talk about something too much I'm going to jinx it.

Let me explain - last week I had four interviews. Yes, that's right a crapload in one week!!! Well, I was very excited about them, so I told my family and some friends and my husband told his family. My track record for getting job offers from interviews is about 50%. So I figured, hey, I've got a real fighting chance at these right? Now, given my history, I should have KNOWN this was not a stellar idea to go blabbing about them. 'Cause now, not only am I anxious about them, I've got family and friends asking if there's any news yet, out the yin yang. And, I don't have anything concrete to tell them. In fact, at the job I want the most (the super cool biology place) I called today to check on my status, since it had been over a week from my interview. Of course, the HR lady can tell me nothing and even throws in the fact that they will probably take two more weeks to reach a decision. What? I can't hold off the other places that long, so I tell her this and she replies with, sorry there's nothing more I can tell you.

So, now I'm completely bummed because if I get any offers from the other jobs, I'll have to take one of them. I can't sit around for half a month and pass up other opportunities, with the chance that I'll end up with nada. And, I know there's a good chance of this happening because I interviewed with the very same super-cool biology place about 8 months ago and after 3 weeks of being strung along, they didn't hire me.

I should've kept my mouth shut from the get-go. Maybe the lesson is that I blab too much? I like how I'm always looking for a lesson in things - maybe the lesson is that there isn't always a lesson? Ha! Good thing I figured that one out :)

Obliviot-free stores, anyone?

2006-02-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to remember my life before infertility. Hell, we've been trying for a child for a lot longer than most of our friends have even been married!!!! One of our couple friends, who we are not close to anymore, were introduced to each other a la fixup-style the second week we started attempting to expand our family. Those friends now are married and have two children of their own. And, then there's Kyle and I at basically the same starting point that we were those long, long five and half years ago. Except now we are more hardened emotionally, out a bunch of payola for failed IF treatments, and ,gulp, on our way to starting the adoption process.

Now to change gears, so I'm in the grocery store today minding mine own business and loading the conveyor belt in the checkout line with all my goodies. Now, I'm a sale kinda gal, so I tend to stock up on the items on special. There were a lot of sales today, so my cart was loaded with diet soda and 100-calorie pack goodness. Plus, I only like to shop once a week or less, which means I get a lot o' stuff. The man behind me noticed this and said "Hey, look at all that food! You must have a BIG family!!" To which I replied "Nope" and proceeded to purposely not make eye contact with him, hoping he would get the hint and move his attention elsewhere. But of course, being clueless, he says "Not a big family 'eh? I sure do, I've got six kids!!". So, now what am I supposed to say? "Wow, that's totally cool that you get a full caravan of kiddies, while I'm waiting years and years for one". But, I just smile my best fake one, and move on. I know he was just gloating, and it had nothing to do with my infertile, childless existence. It still sucked though..... Sometimes I think it would be great to have a store for people going through life crises. One in which people aren't allowed to say stupid comments to one another about their lives. I know the grocery store dude just caught me on a sensitive day, but honestly it would be great to shop at a obliviot free store once in a while :)

For lack of originality.....

2006-02-09T08:16:00.001-08:00

Another meme tag game here, since I lack inspiration to write anything of substance today!!!

Four Jobs I've had (in order):
1. Pharmacy Technician
2. Forensic Lab Specialist
3. Biologist
4. Lab Tech

Four Places I've Lived (randomly selected):
1. Annandale, VA (where Kyle and I had our townhome when we lived in DC area)
2. College Park, PA (went to Penn State for one semester before changing my major to Biology)
3. St. Augustine, FL (lived there after college before DC)
4. Tampa, FL (born and raised)

Movies I'd Watch Again:
1. Goodfellas
2. Lost in Translation
3. Can't Buy Me Love
4. Napolean Dynamite

TV Shows I love to Watch:
1. American Idol
2. LOST
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Dancing with the Stars

4 of My Favorite Foods:
1. Sushi
2. Popcorn with butter and parm cheese (I have eaten this for a meal!)
3. Panang curry (yum yum!)
4. Chocolate & peanut butter concoctions

Four Places I'd Rather be Right Now:
1. Sedona, AZ (it's just beautiful there)
2. Arlington, VA (they have the best rice bowl lunches at a hole in the wall restaurant there and I've been craving them lately)
3. Ambregis Caye, Belize (the cutest little island ever!)
4. Working in a biology lab (for obvious reasons!)

I tag anyone that wants to play!!

No new tale to tell....

2006-02-01T08:13:00.000-08:00

Lots of uncertainties going on right now with me. I'm in between jobs again, after my misfortunate stint at the bizarro world-pharmacy. I've applied at other pharmacies, but am thinking of expanding my job search even further, since I have very limited options in the town we live in.

But, I'm torn because if we start to pursue adoption and are successful with that, then what will happen to my career if I'd like to stay at home for the first year? Sigh..... I know this kind of worry and planning has only gotten me in trouble over the past years, like buying the "soccer mom" car in preparation for our well-planned nuclear family and changing jobs because I was sure the stressful commute was hindering my ability to get pg.

Maybe life always has these uncertainties and the lesson is to learn to roll with the punches??? I've just been hanging out in limbo-land for so long that I crave some semblance of certainty. Some revelation as to what the purpose of my life is for, since the mom-thing isn't it (for now?) and the biology lab professional isn't it (for now?). Big sigh...

Insightful words from emails and grocery stores...

2006-01-26T08:19:00.000-08:00

A couple of my friends have written such inspiring things to me in emails lately. I was so touched by what these two particular women said, that I absolutely have to share them here (hope they don't mind). Their sentiments are poignantly written and offer such a refreshing view of my situation that it brought tears to my eyes... I've honestly been so focused on my husband and I's pain, that I failed to see what a blessing adoption may be for a child that could be brought into our home.

Here's friend #1's message:
Not to push adoption, but since you might possibly be leaning that way, you can still have your miracle baby. Maybe not physically have a baby, but any child you will adopt is a miracle. A miracle to even be conceived- since we know how hard THAT is; a miracle that biological Mom decided to keep baby since we live in a disposable society; a miracle bio-mom decided to give baby a better life than she could- a terribly hard decision, to put it mildly; and a miracle all these events and timing result in you finding the child meant for you and Kyle. Yeah, its not the fairy tale unexpected miracle pregnancy, but pretty special and amazing in itself when you look at all the pieces that have to fall into perfect place.

And speaking of fairy tales, maybe the fairy tale ending isn't supposed to be for you, but for the child you adopt. An unwanted infant, taken out of poverty and a life of desperation to a real family with a real mom and dad who think the world of this baby and couldn't possibly love it any more; real doting, spoiling grandparents; real friends and family so excited to see this child join your family; real opportunities to grow and thrive. Realities that would only be a fantasy for a child needing parents. It's not castles and white horses, but to a child who has nothing, a house in the burbs with a waggly tailed dog is just as magnificent. Just a thought.

Now for friend #2:
And as for the baby.... I truly believe that there is the perfect child out there for you and Kyle, even if you do have to adopt. Maybe that child hasn't been born, or even conceived yet. But I do know that you are a wonderful, good, honest, and caring person. And you must understand this: It is not over!!! You are not old!!! It is not too late for you and Kyle to keep trying, and it is not too late to think about adoption.
L was 2 years old when I met C. She is now 6yrs. old and knows him as daddy, period. He treats her no different than the other two. A couple of months ago I asked him if he ever thought about the fact that "biologically" she wasn't "his." He said he never even thought about it... ever. You would really be surprised how you can fall in love with a child who may not have the genetic bond, because the bond formed from love is so much stronger.

So thank you for that, my friends. You have opened my eyes a lot wider than before and helped me start to unravel this blanket of pain that I've been hiding under. Also, thank you to the older woman in the grocery store, who talked with me this morning for a while about her cat and his problems, while we were both picking out canned cat foods. She was so sweet, and at the end of our conversation she said "Thanks for listening, dear". Like exchanging words was such a big deal, it really touched me. And, made me think how lucky I am to have family and friends to talk with on a daily basis and how I take it for granted.

On top of it, there's this blog, which allows me to express myself in another way, and amazingly enough people continue to read and follow along with my life. So, thanks for reading, dears :) Your support and comments really motivate and inspire me.

Up until now

2006-01-23T15:34:00.000-08:00

Some of the commentors have asked what I've done to try and get pg and if I've had any losses. I decided I'd make a big list of everything I've attempted in my quest for a baby over the past five and a half years (that's 78 months.. whew!!) Here goes:

- Temperature charting.....2000-2001
- Exploratory laparoscopy, stage 1-2 endometriosis......2001
- 5 IUI cycles w/ injectible hormones......2002-2003
- 3 m/c (all from the IUI's).......2003
- 1 IVF cycle with PGD.......2003
- Countless sessions of acupuncture......2003-2005
- Mind/body group sessions.....2003
- 2 donor cycles w/ IUI and clomid....2005
- Chinese herbs......2005

I also tried little stints of stuff, like eliminating refined sugar from my diet altogether, meditation and yoga (which I still practice).... I even went as far as to change jobs during my IUI's due to my stressful commute, and then eventually quit the second job to totally focus on treatments and getting and staying pregnant, since we didn't have a concrete reason for my losses at that point. In addition, I also had 3 HSG's performed, countless blood tests for everything from thyroid function to clotting disorders to certain types of antibodies.

Our official diagnosis is recurrent pregnancy loss (although I've never gotten pg without medical intervention) with unexplained infertility, besides the mild endo which they don't really attribute to the IF (questionable, I know). Also, upon doing PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis), we found that we have an unusually high number of chromosomally abnormal embryo's (90 %).

So there you go - my IF history in a nutshell. I feel like I've attempted everything I could possibly handle both emotionally and physically. And, I'm happy that I did all those things despite the outcome - for me, it feels like I gave it my all and won't look back and say "what if I only tried ....."

Now if I only had the fairy tale outcome or miracle baby afterwards :)

The co-ed baby shower extravaganza

2006-01-22T06:59:00.000-08:00

I normally don't push myself to go to these anymore unless it's for a very, very close friend, but yesterday I attended a co-ed event for not one, but two of our knocked up friends. I figured it would be survivable because: (1) Kyle was going to be there for moral support and (2) it was BYOB, and a little social lubrication takes the sting out.... So, really it was sort of like a party with some baby games thrown in. We only participated in a few of the baby games - one involved speed drinking beer from a baby bottle (which Kyle gladly participated in) and the other was trying to guess which baby related questions the dads-to-be would know the answers to.

It actually wasn't too terrible (especially after four beers!), the hardest part was when they brought all the grandmothers-to-be up with the moms-to-be , put sashes on them that said "Future Grandmother" and "Future Mom" and took group photos. That one really stung and hit home, because I thought of my parents who are grandchildless-not-by-choice.. Since I'm an only child, I'm the only hope for them to ever have grandchildren... So, I know the pain and sadness is as present in their hearts as it is in mine. .. My husband has two sisters, and one has a child, so his parents are luckily getting to experience grandparentness already...

So, anyway, I got through it without feeling like too much of a circus freak.... I also unsuccessfully tried not to think about the fact that we have been trying for a child since before either of the expecting couples at the shower were even married. My husband gets annoyed with the whole" comparing timeline analogies" thing that I do, but I honestly can't help it. I've been yearning to be a mom for so long now, that it's inevitable to see all these couples passing us by and expanding their families.... I wish I could be oblivious to life around me, but that's nearly impossible when everytime I turn on the tv, or go to the grocery store, or do an internet search I am bombarded with news of celebrity pregnancies. Don't even get me started on the whole Brangelina fiasco!!!

I am starting to warm up to the idea of adoption, albeit it ever so slowly. If only the whole process wasn't so life-probing and ungodly expensive, I'd be more gung-ho about it. But, I guess nothing good ever comes easy, right? At least not in this decade :)

National De-Lurking week extended

2006-01-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

So, I saw from reading other's posts that it was National De-Lurking week - eh... last week. I'm going to extend the celebration since it's my blog and I can do anything I want on here (heh heh).... So I invite all you lurkers to post a comment at least once - please don't be shy.

Let me know how you found my site, what you can relate to, etc. Seriously, I'd love to hear from readers out there and make some more IF connections. 'Cause my contact with IF'ers is getting smaller year after year, as many graduate from this process and leave me stranded on infertility island..... but you've heard that one before :))

Anyhow, lots of changes in our household this past week. I quit my crappy job (woo-hoo) and have been going to physical therapy for the shoulder injury I sustained through improper training and generally being overworked. Thank god I could leave that place, it was beyond dysfunctional. So, now I'm just concentrating on healing - which is tough when I'm home with all these major houseprojects beckoning out to me. But, whom I'm kidding, it's not that tough, as I was able to walk for an hour and a half on the beach this morning and play around with a digital scrapbook program I got for Christmas :)

Kyle and I are both doing weight watchers, which leaves me ravenously hungry a lot of the time, so I can rack up food points by exercising. Kinda a strange motivator but it truly works for me! Right now, I can only do light exercise, so walking is about the only thing that fits into that category. I'm hoping to reclaim my pre-IF treatment figure, since I know that a pg is not in the horizon for me anymore at all and I can't use that as an excuse to rack up the flabbiness...

Kyle started his first course towards his master's degree last week, so I'm living with a college boy yet again. He's taking a class which combines both his field of study and mine, so that should be interesting. So he's got a lot on his plate, plus worrying whether or not I will finally find a satisfying job......

So, come on, lurkers, I know you are out there. Drop me a line and let me know who you are :)

What's this meme stuff, anyway?

2006-01-12T06:49:00.000-08:00

My blog has been tagged. I really don't know what that means, but I think it is sort of like an email forward survey which you fill out and send to an aforementioned number of friends. Here are the rules:

Rules: “The first player of this game starts with the topic “five weird habits of yourself, and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Dont forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.”

Ok - so here are MY weird habits:

1. I need to hug something while I sleep. I have a special sleeping pillow just for that purpose. I guess I never grew outta the stuffed animal stage as a child, and just graduated to pillows. If I'm on vacation or sleeping over someone's house and don't have a pillow, I'll use a piece of clothing or a towel - I really don't sleep well otherwise.

2. I love to take scalding hot showers. When I get out, I usually am pink all over and the mirror is fogged beyond belief. My husband is amazed at the high temperature I like the water to be.

3. I have a foot phobia. Which is weird, cause I love to get pedicures. But then again, nobody's waving their toes in my face at a salon.

One time in yoga class, we did a group exercise where they pared us up and we were supposed to hold each others feet to held steady them in a particular pose. I apologized to the person ahead of time and explained that I'd hold their ankles, but not their feet :)

4. I love to watch teenage coming of age or angst-ridden movies even though I'm a grown woman. I suppose this is because I like to root for the underdog, but part of it is just a guilty pleasure.

Maybe I never grew out of the John Hughes films that I grew up with. And I'm not picky, as I will watch total crap, like Cru*l Int*ntions 2 and D.*.B.S. My recent favorites movies include M*an Girls and N*pol*an Dyn*mite.

5. I'm a hot sauce addict. I will put the Korean stuff with the rooster on it, called Sriracha, on a lot of different foods. The thing is though, I usually end up being too liberal with it, and literally have to exhale through my mouth a million times just to get through the rest of the meal. This happens over and over again, much to my husband's amusement. It's like a challenge to see what I can endure.

So there they are. I don't know that many people in blog-land yet, but I have four to send this to. Now, I tag Jude, Jenn, Lori and Nameerah.

Are you there, God? It's me - Chelsi.

2006-01-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

God, I need your help to be strong. Things are not going so well in my life lately. I'm trying to overlook everything and focus on the positive, I truly am. But, it's hard when I feel like everytime I turn around a new problem arises.....

For one, my new job is tough. I've walked into an already-existing bitter and caddy situation and now have taken up the position of the scapegoat. My workplace is a team environment and the majority of my team is not cordial or helpful to me which is so hard, when I'm trying to learn. I feel like I'm wedged between a rock and a hard place.

Then, of course, there's the ever persitant longing to be a mother. This is eating away at me like a fungus. I watch so many friends, co-workers and family memeber be blessed with children. Many of them are blessed multiple times. And I wonder why Kyle and I aren't allowed the same blessing at least once.

God, I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I've asked you for guidance and help in this matter. I really need you to hear this time and help me, because it's dampening my spirit. At the very least, can you just take away the longing for a child?? If I didn't have the longing or the motherly instinct, it would be so much easier to cope.

I'm not asking for miracles, God, just some guidance and strength. Just something to help me rise above all this and not be swallowed up by emotions such as hurt and pain. I know you are busy, but please lead me on the right path and help me regain my strength.

A fresh start

2006-01-02T18:29:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's the new year. A time for everyone to start over again. A rebirth, of sorts. So, of course, like so many others, I have lot of resolutions. Some are the normal cliched kind, others personal goals of mine. I figure if I write them down, it will hold me a little more accountable.

Here goes:

-- I'd like to focus on being happy. Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of sucky things that happen to me this year (and for those that know me, you know personally that sucky things arrived in droves the past few months) but the ONLY thing that I can change about my life is MY attitude. So, I'm going to make an earnest effort to smile and enjoy myself despite the situation.

---I'd like to lose weight. Me and half of the rest of America, I know :) But, I've let myself go flabby in the middle and my bootie and thighs have gone ghetto. And, since I don't have to worry about a pregnancy messing up my metabolism or my figure, I might as well reclaim it.

--I'd like to watch less television and read more. Yes, reality t.v. sucks me in like a black hole. Next thing I know, I've watched has-been celebrities compete to lose weight or wives being swapped or some high school debutante learn to skateboard, and two hours has gone by in the blink of an eye. I feel like I'm watching these peoples lives go by, while mine is on hold. No more.

--I'd like to volunteer somewhere. This will be difficult considering I never know my schedule more than two weeks in advance, but I may be able to make it work.

--I'd like to read the entire bible. Now, this has been a goal for a while, but now's the year to actually DO it.

So, wish me luck. I'm trying to become the change I want to see - or however the saying goes.

Yes, I am now that person

2005-12-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

It's official - I am now the older, jaded person I used to scoff at way back when. I don't know when exactly it happened, but I can tell you why (big guess!!!). So, I'm sitting at lunch at work the other day with a few of my younger co-workers and we are flipping through magazines. This one ad with these beautiful cascading wedding bands pops up and my 21 year old co-worker (the one with the brand new oops pregnancy, who also has an 8 month old - no I'm not possibly jealous) spews off her plans for a certain type of anniversary band for her 5 year anniversary, than another for 10 years. Before I can stop it, this pops out of my mouth "Be careful about planning everything out, cause life likes to throw lots of curve balls when you are least expecting it". She didn't even have a reaction, but I knew she was thinking wow, what a buzz kill. Exactly what I would have thought when I was her age. I couldn't imagine why someone could be so negative. Now I'm on the flip side. I am that older person who has shed their rose colored glasses. Who would've thunk it? Not me!! Can I go back to being naive again? Life was so simple then. I had so many big dreams and desires. I didn't have a clue that some of them couldn't possibly be fulfilled no matter how hard I tried. Man, I really miss those days.....

My magical power

2005-11-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

So, you say you wanna get pregnant? Well, just hang around me. I'm not kidding, I am a fertility-luck charm. Practically everyone who experiences my presence will get pregnant. This includes infertile people, too. Everyone in my mind body support group (for IF) is now either a mom or pregnant - oh yeah, except for ME.

And, my friends who have had stints of infertility or m/c's are now all moms. Other friends or coworkers who didn't even want to get pg, all magically got that way from hanging round me. To top it off, at the new job I just started one of my co-workers who has an 8 month old is now, SURPRISE, pg again. Of course she says it unplanned. Which is ridiculous, cause if you're not preventing it than you ARE trying for a baby. A whoops pregnancy is like a slap in the face to hear about - someone should just spit on me the next time they share that kind of news.

So, what fun for me to have this magical power on everyone except myself. Maybe I should open a clinic and start charging, 'cause I seem to have a better success rate than most reproductive endocrinologists. And, it's much less painful and invasive - all you have to do is enter my life and hang around me for more than a few days, and whammo, you're knocked up.

So I guess I am here to educate and sit back and watch the miracle of life get sprinkled on everyone else. And, I'm just so thrilled about it. What a craptastic situation....

Back to the grind....

2005-11-25T16:26:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted!! I guess you can tell I'm knee deep in the working world again, huh? I'm still trying to adjust to working weekends and holidays (although I had Thanksgiving off cause I'm new and not fully trained yet and I would just be in the way :)). And, adjusting to getting up at the butt crack of dawn as well. Which has been as sucky for Kyle as it has been for me, cause our doggy is up and ready to go at the sound of the alarm. So everybody's schedule is all wacked out for now. But, once I'm trained it seems like I will be able to come in at 8 am, instead of 7 am, which is more my speed since I am NOT a morning person. My husband can attest to that one :)

Anyway, it feels great to be out DOING again and have a sense of purpose beyond housework and yard maintenance. The pharmacy in the lab is so busy that the hours just fly by. It's a lot of standing so I'm pooped by the time I get home, but a hot bath cures that somewhat.

I really don't have time to dwell on being childless right now, but I'm sure it will come flooding back when I'm used to my new routine. People at work have already put two and two together, asking about kids once they learned that Kyle and I have been married for 8 years. I've just been brutally honest and say "we can't have them". Of course, some people are perplexed and ask what that means, and I tell them that we are one of the unlucky unexplained infertile couples who dwell the earth. I feel like an educator for the many, many fertiles of the world :) Maybe THAT is my purpose???

I miss ya, Gramps :(

2005-11-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

My grandpa's gone, I still can't believe it. It doesn't seem real yet, even though my parents and I rushed over to my grandma's within hours of his passing, and I slept in his bed the next two nights to keep my Grandma company and be strong for her. My grandpa was the center of our family, always laughing and cracking jokes. He was full of spunk and spark and stayed true to his values and beliefs. He lived a long life of 89 years and was married to my grandma for 67 of them.

The last several years, Grandpa had recurring dreams of seeing all his deceased siblings in a boat (he was the surviving member of all his brothers and sisters). In the dream, he would always be on the outside where he was unable to reach them. He talked about this vision frequently. I know that he is up in heaven now and I believe he is sitting in a boat just chatting and laughing with his family up there.

I stayed at my grandma's all weekend and came back late last night to do orientation today for the new job. Weird timing to have something I'm so ecstatic about and something so heart wrenchingly sad to happen within days of one another. I'm a huge ball of mixed emotions who can't seem to sit still or concentrate.

Tomorrow, Kyle and I travel for the viewing on Tuesday and the funeral on Wednesday. I think the gravity of the situation will hit me a lot more then. Focusing on funeral plans and my grandma has occupied me so much that I haven't truly digested it yet. Then, on Thursday morning, I start the new job at the butt crack of dawn. A crazy week to be starting a job, trying to be so focused when my heart is full of sorrow and grief. But maybe it will help to be so preoccupied......

Welcoming the end of my mini-retirement...

2005-11-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I've got some GREAT news to share! I've just accepted a position at a local hospital as a pharmacy technician... woo hooo!! I'm am absolutely thrilled to be entering the working world again. Mini-retirement was fun at first, but not half as satisfying as working. Plus, I had WAY to much time on my hands to think and mill over things. Extra free time and many hours spent alone are not good combination when you're going through IF.

So, now that I will be making money, we'll have extra funds to spend on clothes, shoes and other fun girly stuff that I've been going without for quite some time. I will be able to enter the world of shopping bliss yet again. A girl's gotta have her priorities :))

And, if getting the position wasn't cool enough, my new dentist called me yesterday and asked me to be a model for a tooth whitening seminar. It's for the "Zoom" in-office whitening system, which they use for all those extreme make-overs you see on television, where they slather some peroxide stuff on your teeth and place you in front of a UV light for an hour. Apparently some people are apprehensive about the process, so they will use me as the guinea-pig to ensure that the process is safe and unharmful. In turn, I get a $550 procedure for free! Which is pretty funny, considering I'm the queen of playing instant win games and surfing for online-coupons.

So, I'll embrace this new high that I'm on right now. And, thank god for these blessings.

Whew....

2005-11-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

I survived my *outing* today and am ever-so-carefully thinking it went pretty smoothly. Although, I'm so paranoid about jinxing anything, that who knows? But I felt as comfortable as one can possibly feel when being put under a microscope :) I'm not looking back with huge regret on anything that fumbled out of my mouth. So that's good. Now it's just the waiting game and putting my well-used patience skills into even more practice. Here's to being cautiously optimistic, which is a stretch for me at this point.

Kyle made a good point to me yesterday about my anxiety. It stems from fear.... fear of failure, in my case. I guess the infertility threw such a monkey wrench into my ideal about working hard towards a goal and achieving positive results, that it's propelled me into pessimism as a mechanism for protection. I guess I'm just scared of being letting down any more than I already am at this point.

But I'm trying to be hopeful, I'm really trying.....

Thanks for all the notes of support on my last post :)

High anxiety

2005-11-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm nervous. To put it into vague terms which you can easily figure out, I have something to do tomorrow which involves sitting in a room with a suit on, answering questions about myself, and exploring my career options while trying to be appear relaxed and not perspirey :) So maybe my description is not very vague, but enough to satisfy my "not jinxing things by talking about them" theory which has overtaken my brain since I've experienced IF. I mean, come on, I bragged to friends about wanting a child, then trying for one, took them through every step of our journey, shared the good news about our pregnancies, and NOTHING good came out of it.

It's weird, I used to be pretty secure about myself. Before IF, I'd get semi-nervous about things, but not enough to hijack my thoughts most of the day. Now, I freak about things, maybe cause I am big ole' pessimist who doesn't EXPECT positive results anymore. In a way, it's sort of a good thing cause I used to be so optimistic and naive' that it annoyed people. I remember being fresh out of college and having one of my co-workers saying that something would come along one day and knock me on my butt and into real life. Wow, who knew he'd be so right on!!

So, wish me luck tomorrow. Not that I'm saying there's anything going on... wink wink...

Happy B-day to you......

2005-11-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

Here's Kyle and I as "Austin Powers" and "Felicity Shagwell" at a halloween party we threw back in '01.

Today is my hubby's bday, so this one's for him!! Kyle is my rock. He's grounded, smart as a whip, has an unending sense of humor, is realistically optimisitic and is extremely down to earth. He has one of the biggest hearts I've EVER encountered and is open-minded and non- pre-judgemental. Oh, and he's a cutie on top of all that :)

So, I had no choice but to fall in love with him. Plus, I truly think he is my soul mate, as cheesy as that sounds. I really could not imagine my life without him in it :)) I've known him for a third of it, already - we've been married 8 years, but met each other 13 years ago in college (wow - now I feel old :). Pretty incredible.

Some of my friends have dubbed him "Saint Kyle". Not sure why (heh heh), probably because I can be trying to live with :). I'm a bit impulsive and at times, my mouth shoots off before my brain can stop it. I can be bossy too, but Kyle puts it all into perpesctive and calls me on things. He challenges me and has taught me so much about life. He truly has made me a much better person. It's definetly not a coincidence that he was born on "All Saint's Day"....

So, here's to you hubby. I love you so very much.

Trying to let go....

2005-10-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

I know happiness is attainable for me, despite not having children. I'm starting to recognize that this sense of peace is within my reach and that the answer lies deeply inside of me. That it is not totally dependent on having children. That if I focused on all the blessings in my life at the present time, I may be a lot more satisfied...

So, my first priority is to let it all go and accept that getting pregnant and having a biological child with Kyle is not within my control. That it probably is not going to happen and isn't part of God's master plan for my life. In fact, I have to swallow the fact that it will *NOT* happen. Which isn't easy to do when you've haven't been given a specific answer as to the cause of your infertility.

Because if I hold on to any tiny piece of hope within me, that hope is going to fester inside of me like an oozing sore. It will continue to cause me pain everytime I hear a pregnancy annoucement, see my friend's new babies or hear about some milestone in a child's life. Right now, everytime this happens, I immediately wonder why god hasn't answered my most important prayer. Why can't I become pg, why can't Kyle and I have a child of our own?

Basically, to continue on this path that I've been on for five years, is not healthy to me emotionally. It's overtaken so much of my life already - I left jobs that I thought were too stressful from a crazy commute or an unhealthy environment, I've taken countless bouts of infertility drugs, I've had a major surgery, I've undergone various medical procedures, I've been in mind-body therapy, I've had needles inserted in me to align my chakras (acupuncture). I've done everything that I could possibly to do to create a healthy reproductive environment. And it hasn't changed a thing. So maybe I need to start listening to all these signals in my life and focus my attention elsewhere.

It won't be easy, nor will the process be a short one. But I think for my sanity, I need to try and let go. Because in order to consider adoption, I have to relinquish all these desires. And, be totally at peace with being reproductively incapable.

This one's for you, Kris

2005-10-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

Here's my friend Kris and I all decked out disco-style for Halloween (I'm on the left, she's on the right)
She's one of the two living, breathing IF card carrying club members I have left in my life, besides you gals out there in cyberspace.

This photo was taken back in '93 when we were college roommates. We were so full of life and spunk and nothing could keep us down. There wasn't a problem back then that couldn't be solved with a trip out to our local bar or to some frat party!! We were invincible and blinded to the fact that IF would hit us both like a ton of bricks many years later.

The interesting thing about our relationship is that we drifted apart after college and a mutual friend invited us both to brunch while Kris was in town, about 2 1/2 years ago. At the brunch I learned that Kris and I were both struggling with infertility, both had experienced miscarriages and both had been trying about the same amount of time for a baby. It's funny how God steps in and hands you someone in your life exactly when you need them.

So, this one's for you, Kris. Thanks for your friendship, unmatchable wit, unending empathy and immeasurable support.

My future career as a greeting card writer...

2005-10-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about something, you usually receive greeting cards when you need them the least. At happy times, people swarm around you like white on rice. They give you gifts, they throw you parties, they like to absorb your positive charma. When you are going through something stressful and sucky, like say I don't know, let's just pick infertility - there's nada. No greeting cards, no celebrations, no warm fuzzy stuff. Fertile people sometimes get all weird and clam up. You're the odd one in the bunch.

So Hallmark, if you're listening, we infertiles would like some cards of our own. That way, our family and friends could easily show us they care without worrying about saying the wrong thing or offending us.. I've created some examples, just to get the ball rolling... please feel free to steal these ideas and circulate them on the shelves.

For those dreadly monthly cycles...
(Front of card) "Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt flo. Aunt flo who? Aunt flo who visits you each and every month for no d*&n good reason! Ha ha ha ha"... (Inside of card) "Sorry to hear about your expected visitor"

For those undergoing infertility treatments...
(Front of card) A reproductive endrocrinologist says to his patient "Hello Mrs... umm, I'm sorry, I simply don't recognize you with your pants on" (Inside of card) "Here's to a medical staff who knows you better from the waist down"

For those who bite their tongues...
(Front of card) Neighbor jokingly says to an infertile women "Take my kids, please" (Inside) "Here's to the day when "borrowed" kids will fulfill a desire for a child of one's own and be a suitable substitution for motherhood. It'll probably be the same day that pigs fly and h&*l freezes over"

For those with a twisted sense of humor...
(Front of card) Infertility, much like the energizer bunny, keeps on going and going and going
(Inside of card) Kinda makes you want to beat the crap outta that pink drum-beating rabbit, now doesn't it???

For a little simply stated support.....
(Front of card) Sometimes, bad things happen to good people for no apparent reason.
(Inside of card) Infertility is one of these things.

So, hallmark, have your people call mine, 'K?

Guess what? It's infertility awareness week....

2005-10-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Just found out this was going on, although it's not well advertised at all. Wish we could get the press coverage that other awareness weeks get!! I did see that there is an infertility awareness event in D.C. on Thursday hosted by my favorite "Amazing Race" winners Uchenna and Joyce, who are also card carrying members of the IF club. So, in honor of the week, I will spout on a bit about a topic I have come to know and hate :) Here goes:

*** Infertility is a medical condition which affects the reproductive system. It is not caused by stress but is actually the opposite, as it causes stress. The stress caused by infertility has been said to be comparable to that which is caused by a life-threatening disease*******

*** Even though infertility has been defined as a medical condition, only 15 states in the United States have mandates for some type of insurance coverage. A recent study by Kaiser network showed that the majority of healthcare plans (59%) do not cover ANY type of infertility treatment. Of the minority (41%) of healthcare plans which do provide some kind of coverage, most do not cover IVF. In comparison, a study done by the Alan Buttmacher institute found that a whopping 97% of major healthcare plans cover Viagra. ****

***** Adopting a child does not spontaneously cause pregnancy. Studies listed by WebMD reveal that pregnancy rates after adopting are the same as those for couples who do not adopt ****

Wilma blows...

2005-10-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

I saw this clever saying on a restaurant marquis in Cocoa Beach :) Sums up the hurricane season pretty well in the past couple of years. What can I say, seems that Kyle and I picked an interesting time to move back to Florida.

Within the first four months of moving to the sunshine state last year, we experienced one tropical storm and were evacuated for two category 3 storms. The flip side is that we've been fortunate to have only one hurricane hit us so far in 2005. And, even though we got wind gusts up to 94 mph from Wilma, we only lost one panel of fascia from our roof, have a tiny leak in the living room and our back fence is a bit bowed. But amazingly, we never lost power for more than minutes at a time, and we still are blessed with cable, internet and phone.... got to keep perspective on the important stuff :))

No rants today, just thankfulness for our health and safety.

Will the real "me" please step forward???

2005-10-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not the same girl I used to be. Not remotely. I guess anyone that goes through a life-changing stressful event does not come out unaffected or unscathed. Especially if it is an ongoing situation which will not go away no matter how hard you try to forget....

I've acquired different personality qualities as a result- more cynical, more untrusting, more realistic, more skeptical. Are these good things? Maybe, maybe not. I'm also more anxious about social situations. Probably due to the fact that I never know where the next pregnancy annoucement is going to come from or when I'm going to be stuck in a baby conversation that I have nothing to contribute to.

This is all compounded by the fact that I haven't been able to find a job in the biological or medical field since we've moved to Florida. My career has been on hold for quite a while now. I left my forensics job back in VA to concentrate on fertility treatments and to staying pregnant after my first loss - which obviously did loads of good *roll eyes* !! And, that was a few years ago. So, I have all this extra time on my hands to "mull" over things. I know many people would kill to be not working, but for me, it's just compounding the loss.....

I just feel like I'm losing my sense of self in this whole process. I guess because I always envisioned myself as a mom. So I have all this nuture-caretaker stuff packed within me and nowhere to direct it to. Except for my spoiled brat doggie who reaps the benefits with all the attention I lavish on him. It drives Kyle nuts how much I baby talk to that mutt...

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just hope that I find myself again soon. Cause I really liked the girl that was very optimistic about the future and I'd like to have her back :)

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same....

2005-10-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

The title of this post are from the lyrics of a song by Keane that I absolutely LOVE. I've been finding solace in music lately. I guess that's why people turn to it after a breakup or some other depressing situation. It truly soothes my soul or at least helps me feel less alone in my heartache....

Some of the lyrics just describe my situation perfectly and really touch my heart:

"You're aching, your breaking. and I can see the pain in your eyes: says everybody's changing and I don't know why"....... Everybody's Changing by Keane

"I could feel at the time, there was no way of knowing. Fallen leaves in the night, who can say where they're blowing? As free as the wind, and hopefully learning, why the sea on the tide has no way of turning. More than this??".... More Than This by Roxy Music

"Another head aches, another heart breaks. I am so much older than I can take. And my affection, well it comes and goes.
I need direction to perfection"......All These Things that I've Done by the Killers

"I reached inside myself and found nothing there to ease the pressure of my ever worrying mind. All my powers waste away, I fear the crazed and lonely looks the mirror's sending me these days"...... The Sun always Shines on T.V. by A-ha

"The same, it's the same, why's it always the same? Annie waits for the last time. The clock never stops, never stops, never waits. She's growing old. It's getting late."..... Annie Waits by Ben Folds

"Because it's lonely in your nightmare, let me in. And it's barren in your garden, let me in" ... Lonely in your Nightmare by Duran Duran

My shoes are too tight....

2005-10-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

What does it feel like to be infertile, you ask? Well, I'll gladly tell you. Being infertile is like being in a television show forever stuck on "pause". You are in a constant state of hoping, waiting and wondering. Your biggest dream in life is forever on hold, and many times without explanation.

And while you are stuck in the "pause-mode", everyone else in your life seems to either be on "play" or "fast forward". Their lives are continuing on, as they are adding new members to their families, awaiting the births of their babies, their small child is starting daycare, etc. They are continuing on with their plans, while you are standing on the sidelines just simply..... watching.

And while you are on the sidelines, most people don't even know what to say to you about your situation anymore, so it isn't really talked about. It's like having a giant pink elephant in the room that noone wants to address. Some people can't see a tangible loss in your life, such as a death of a family member or a disease diagnosis, so you often receive apathy or get the advice to focus on your other blessings in life......Mostly what you'd like to hear is "I'm sorry you are going through this" and a few people do have the guts to say it.

Lastly, you wonder why your plan and God's plans are so radically different from one another. You pray for God to lead in you in the right direction. You pray to have the strength to continue to endure the disappointment and pain, and for God to hardened your heart to accept this lot in life without becoming a bitter, angry person.

And, that my friends, is what it feels like to be infertile. At least it does through my eyes....

If 40 is the new 30, then 35 must be the new 25...

2005-10-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm getting older. I would hope that accompanies getting wiser as well! At least, I would hope that would be the case, 'cause hey, if I haven't learned anything in the last five years, well, that would be pretty darn pathetic....

The trip was incredible!! We hiked out butts off, sailed the sky in a hot-air balloon which was dipped in the waters of the Rio Grande, rode on an off-road jeep excursion over the red rocks of Sedona, and so much more. The best part was being away from everything and just enjoying relaxing, eating lots of spicy food, and drinking our share of adult libations!! The Southwest is so vastly different from anything I've seen before. A sort of minimalist beauty in the way the desert landscapes are covered by only sand and sparely-placed foliage. The Grand Canyon is indescribable and unparalleled in it's jaw-dropping scenery and beauty... It really did refresh my soul. Although I have to say I'm siding with my husband in thinking the whole "vortex" theory in Sedona is a load of cr*&!! The only way I will be convinced is if I miraculously get pregnant soon after, and we all know that ain't gonna happen! In fact, I double dare the vortexes to work their magic on me!!

But in all seriousness, it was a wonderful respite from everything. The best part is that we never would have been able to take this trip with small children... We saw a couple at the Grand Canyon with a small toddler and a four year old and Kyle and I were thinking, those kids could not possibly be able to hike anywhere at all. Much less want to stand at the lookout sights for more than a few minutes or keep their mouths shut while experiencing a breathtaking sunset!! Not that I wouldn't trade the trip in a heartbeat for a child of my own, but at least we are taking advantage of our childless-state and getting out there and truly living!!

So anyway, let's hope my elevated mood continues and this high lasts a little while longer at least....Feels good to be writing again, even if it more just for me than anyone else. And thanks Jude for the messages, glad to see someones reading this :)

Southwestern Inspiration

2005-09-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Kyle and I are leaving for a southwestern getaway tomorrow. I'm hoping the awe-inspiring scenery of the Grand Canyon and healing vortexes in Sedona work some magic on my weakened spirit. Neither one of us has ever seen the Southwest before, so I imagine we are in for quite a treat as far as landscapes and foliage. I'm also ready to chow down on some authentic Mexican food, too - bring on the spice!!

This trip will be a great diversion for me, as I will be away from the internet, which has become my crutch. Also, it will be a welcome respite from pregnancy annoucements which seem to be coming in droves lately, email children updates and photos waiting in my inbox, and friends babies... It's not quite "infertility resort", as I'm sure we'll see pg women and childful families, but at least they will be anonymous people, which for some reason makes it easier to swallow.

So I won't be doing any blogs for a while, but I'm not sure how many people actually read this anyway since I haven't really told anyone about it, just linked it from my website. But if you do get any inspiration, comfort, or whatever from my ranting be assured that I will be back early October

Til then.....

Hey Donald...YOU"RE fired!!!

2005-09-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

So Donald Trump is expecting...again.....can I take the knife outta my heart now??? As I was enjoying my morning coffee and watching CNN, I was accosted with this news (I won't even get into why the heck celebrity fluff news is considered morning headlines - just don't get me started). And of course, I absolutely love to hear that a 59 year old that already has four children ages 27-11, is given such a precious gift - again. But I'm not bitter.....

Forwards schmarwards....

2005-09-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

So I come home from a dinner birthday party tonight to find three forwards in my email inbox. That makes about 15 total for the past week. What is with people and fowarditis these days? I don't mind sending an OCCASIONAL poem, touching story or funny picture. But there is some kind of disease spreading where people think that forwards supersede regular communication.

Some of these forwards I've received in the past couple of weeks are from friends who are "too busy" to answer my emails in a timely fashion. But, yet they have no problem reading a 4 paragraph story and sending this off to every single person in their address book. I'm beginning to wonder if sending these things is more of a popularity contest to show how many so-called friends one has!!

Ok, ok, so this is not a infertility rant. I did enough of that yesterday. And, you'd think with my mood that I may be slightly PMS'ing. But that is not the case, it's just newly acquired infertility-induced cynicism. A wonderful side effect of my situation.

So the next time you think about forwarding - try answering some emails in your inbox instead. A little tete-a-tete with friends is a lot better than sending them a bunch of spam!!

Living in a fertile world.....

2005-09-25T15:53:00.001-07:00

So, I have felt the overwhelming need to write again. And, since my article didn't make it into a mainstream magazine (it was published in an infertility magazine, but there I was just preaching to the choir ;)), I figure, hey this is a good medium to help create awareness of my situation. A raw, unedited, no-holds barred journaling of the in's and out's of infertility. A glimpse in to the land of the reproductively challenged, with my innermost thoughts cradled by the internet. And, the upside is that this will be cathartic for me too. God knows I need to get some things off my chest and this is the perfect medium.

October is going to be a doozy of a month. It marks the official 5-year anniversary that Kyle and I have been trying for a baby. And, on top of this wonderful occasion, I am also turning 35 years old, an age which has been medically proven to have a dramatic decline in fertility for women. So I will be approaching "old-maid" fertility challenged status!! And, to add to the fun, I am in the midst of a baby explosion. More than 2/3rds of the people in my life are pregnant, have babies or have adopted. And, to add more fuel to the fire, I just found out that I am the last official member of my mind-body support group - women who were all struggling with infertility. They've all graduated by either having a baby, adopting or are pregnant. And, then there's me. Stuck on infertility island, the "lone" survivor. So, the big question is where is my million dollar prize?????

At church today, the priest said something interesting. Everyone struggles with some kind of capital sin: be it greed, sloth, envy, anger, pride, lust or gluttony. And while he was speaking, mine jumped out at me. Mine is envy. I envy those who can become parents without struggle. Those who are given the most precious gift possible in the world. Those that are given this gift again, and again, and again. I envy those who don't have to stand on the sidelines and be denied one of the most basic functions of life - reproduction.

It would be easier if I did not have the desire to be a mother. But, I have desired and looked forward to being a mom for a good chunk of my life. And, as much as I've prayed for God to relieve me of this desire, it still burns deeply within me, in an unwavering manner. I've also prayed for my heart to become more hardened as well, so that I can continue to endure this situation without becoming bitter. Because there really is no "escape" from the fertile world. If it's not the cheery news of Brittany Spears giving birth (yes, that is sarcasm you detect in my tone), it's all the hpt commercials on television, the cute babies in carts in the grocery store, the pregnant woman in my yoga class, the friends with the new babies and the emails of adorable kid pictures waiting for me in my email inbox. Sometimes all this is too much for me to take. I can't even stay home all day and not be subjected to several reminders about pregnancies and children - there honestly is no safe haven.

So, I continue to pray. And, hope that one day I will get an answer as to why Kyle and I have been set upon this path. And maybe, one day we can move from the road less traveled to the well worn path of parenthood. But I won't hold my breath....