Lately, we've been keeping the door to the nursery closed. We do this to keep the pets out of the room, but the side effect from this is that some days I'm even starting to forget the nursery is actually there. Every once in a while I peek in just to see if the room is still quiet and sterile, like some sacred shrine or a catalog staging for Pottery Barn. Sometimes I just stand in the doorway and daydream. As of late, though, my heart fills more with sorrow as soon as I take a look-see. I'm starting to worry that this room will never get used and will have to be dismantled. My wondering is changing from "when" Kyle and I will become to parents, to "if" we will ever become parents.
I wish I had some news to prove me wrong, but I got nada on the adoption front. It's been almost a year since we've been in the pool of prospective parents at our agency. We seem to be no closer to having a baby now than a year ago, or even seven years ago when this journey first started. Sigh. My heart just aches.
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12 comments:
I'm so sorry things are stagnant right now...I've been there and it sucks. Can you work with a different agency?
I'm sorry the wait has been so long. Our agency tells us that 18 months is average and I just cringe when I think of it. Right now we are in homestudy mode and while it's stressful in it's own way, I know I will feel more stressed once the to-do list is done and all there is left to do is "wait."
It WILL happen. Hang in there.
Oh how I understand what you are going through. I am sorry.
This waiting SUCKS! Sometimes don't you wish that life had a fast forward button?
Oh Chelsi... my heart breaks for you guys right now. But I'll be honest with you - we left the "nursery" as a spare bedroom, junk collection area and it STILL had the same effect on me. I still looked at the closed door and wondered "when & if".
I hope so badly that something happens for you soon. REALLY REALLY SOON!!!
I totally understand what you're saying since we are in the waiting period also. It's been 8 months and I have said almost the exact same thing. I find that I go through stages where I feel very positive or very negative. I keep revisiting international adoption, and my husband keeps telling me it will happen and that we need to stay on course and focused. Aaarrrgggghhh, it just SUCKS!
The wait is SO hard. It helped me to pray for the biomom and for the baby that she already may be carrying that may one day be ours. Visualize it and know your baby may be out there right now!
Oh Chelsi, I'm so hoping for you and Kyle! I do know that pain. You will not be dismantling your nursery until your baby outgrows it.
*hug*
It doesn't always work, but I just keep repeating "I will be a mom seomday. I WILL be a mom someday."
This may be total utter assvice, but maybe a change of profile and/or your Dear birthmother letter might make you FEEL like there's progress? Often I feel better if I revise something that's already out there, like I'm doing something, ANYTHING to make things happen.
*hug* I really hope things happen for you soon.
I have a hidden room too! Sometimes I open the door just to see if it really exsists! I've decided to paint it this summer, b/c come hell or high water, I WILL have a child in that room someday!
Hey Chelsi, just think, every day that passes is a day closer to the call. I hope its really soon and then the nursery can make a lovely sanctuary for your little one.
Although I've been thinking about your blog entry since reading it, I haven't commented until now because I didn't know what to say. I guess that all I can say is that I'm praying for you and the baby that will soon be SO lucky to have you and Kyle as the wonderful parents that I know you will be! I can't wait to hear all of the stories about how much you AND your parents spoil your precious child to death!
Oh yeah, and what a lucky kid to have such a cool nursery!
Geez... I don't know what happened. Bloglines hasn't let me know you had posts newer that your anniversary post so I've just caught up. First, let me say, Thank God Nexxus was on your good guys list. And second... whether that room was decorated or not you would always know what your intent is. I know how you mean about your thoughts changing from "when" to "if". I used to be able to imagine being pregnant. Imagine holding my son or daughter. Imagine being a parent. And it felt real. But not now. Now it seems like just another fantasy-- like having longer legs.
I know that hope sometimes wanes, Chelsi. But you will be a mom someday. Both of us will- no matter how impossible it seems.
Just out of curiosity- not pushing the idea- have you considered foster-to-adopt? I had a little spark of thought about that the other day (for me, not for you) and just wondered about your thoughts.
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